Pretty much the only way our president could become more abhorrent is if he got a belly ring. The fat all-singing all-dancing all-prancing leader is the shining light in the epicentre of failed South African policies, implementation and mafia-esque corruption. But someone please pierce his navel! He has milked every cow of embarrassment until their udders are lactating dust and there’s nothing left to keep us entertained. He has crumbled the state enterprises, elected a black Al Capone to run our Police Force and fathered 23 offspring with more daddy issues than if Charlie Sheen had a gay Mormon child. How else can we now sit on the edge of our seats, as the soap opera that is ashamedly our government, unfolds?
It is as if the only reason to be proud of the ANC is because of its freak show appearance. If the United Nations were a county fair, South Africa would be the three legged bearded woman in a cage flashing her tits for small change. But will Jacob get that belly ring and let the drama unfold for a second season? Probably not, but he will marry a fourth wife soon. In what has been described as the world’s grossest and most sexually confusing orgy since Joseph Frietzel met the Octo-mom; the Zuma residence will add another female to the roster and a few extra zeros to the tax payers already bulging invoice. But are presidents taking their love lives too far? Is it any of my business? And if the lights go out at his homestead in Nkandla, can I pay to watch?
Zuma has paid so much in Lobola over the last 6 years, that cows are now physically scared of him. The new nuptial will mark the sixth time our esteemed chief will tie the knot. This includes a divorce, and then, well, awkward; one suicide. Not exactly a sparkling role model for a country with an endemic AIDS infection rate of 1 in 4 is it? He reminds me a bit of a fatter Elizabeth Taylor but instead of a best mate like Michael Jackson, he just has Jackson Mthembu in drag. I’m not going to argue the legitimacy of polygamy in a modern context; that pushes the “culture” debate to the fore, and I don’t want to have someone pull the race card cause I’m not super in touch with the heritage and feelings of the Zulu people. But would it be ok if it was a woman who had 4 husbands? Whoops, there goes a cat into a pile of pigeons.
I guess I don’t really see the point of getting married if you aren’t dedicating your life to a single person. I mean on your honeymoon are you allowed to leave your wife for a bit to go to the local shebeen trawling for tail? He has fathered 2 children out of wedlock as well, so monogamy (or quatrogamy in his case) really isn’t a big deal. He is the Lil Wayne of world politics, rocking up at Geneva for a peace conference and having an entourage of bitches in his wake. Just a pity that his new wive’s combined weight is more than the Stormer’s tight five. Mad props.
But besides being a hideous moral example to our youth, does this all affect his ability to govern? We will forever remember Bill Clinton as the Ron Jeremy of the oval office, yet he led America through their largest era of economic prosperity since I was born. Nicholas Sarkozy of France is known to have had many affairs and JFK was the poster child for Chlamydia in the 60s, yet both are admired the world over for their prowess behind driving their country’s wheels. So is Jacob just a shitty president? Yes, and that’s a separate issue. He just accentuates an already shaky leadership with bedroom antics that are so warped they almost make me proud. I hope the ANC NEC in Manguang later this year votes him out of office, for the future sake of our country, but we’re going to have to get a red headed lesbian doing frontflips on a unicycle to ever be this entertained by a president again.
Follow @stroobz on Twitter to support his run for head of the ANC in 2018, as well as terrific recipes for crepes, and a picture of Dame Judie Dench with a gag ball.