Muslims are such incredibly insensitive people. Not allowing other people to sleep with their wives, farming all that oil for themselves and now they have “crossed” the line beyond reproach. Those bastards are using ingredients accepted by their faith to infiltrate the Woolworths baking system; they truly are the suicide bombers of the culinary arts. Now Woolies hot-crossed-buns have suddenly been deemed not to have pork in and the Christians are throwing their crucifixes out of the cot. “Certified Halaal” stickers appeared on the seasonal treats this week and Pope Benedict contacted his chinas in the Legion of Imperial Christian Brotherhood to hurl a congregation of abuse at the supermarket chain. And as soon as you are on the church’s bad side nothing can save you (ironically, just ask Jesus).
Fresh off the boycott of Red Bull, for saying Jesus performed miracles because of an increased caffeine intake; these overzealous evangelical nut jobs have shifted their focus onto the blasphemous criminal underbelly of sugary baked goods. Nothing says ungodly heretic quite like a little red-velvet cupcake eaten by Faizel on Ramadan. It is spawned by the rural over-protective right wingers of Upington, where the only local grocer not serving sheep’s heads and genetically modified edible veldskoen, was the local Woolworths. And seated on the shelf between those putrid jewish salmon fishcakes and those satanic Hindu butter chickens, was the sign that lucipher himself had risen and castrated the Easter bunny; halaal hot-corssed-buns. Oh the horror.
Now it is imperative that we examine what classifies a certain dish as Halaal. It means that the food never came into contact with pork, intoxicants of any kind (so those ganja buns I made the other day put me pretty much on par with Hitler), birds of prey or carnivorous animals of any kind. So unless Woolies was lacing their buns previously with Panther blood, they were fucking halaal to begin with, its now just that your Muslim brothers down the road can also eat food prepared at a time of so called family love and values. It doesn’t mean that a prophet in a turban was blessing these holy snacks, it means that it didn’t come into contact with any brandy… or bald eagle.
To see modern day Christians being so incredibly uptight with things that have no tangible impact on their lives is quite scary. Violently opposed to gay marriage in the States, anti any man who wears a white robe and a long beard while consuming energy drinks and now screaming blue murder when a simple sticker is placed on the packaging of a relatively tasteless product. Im waiting for them to try and put a ban on the commercial sale of red wine as who are you Buddhists that dare drink the blood of Christ?! One clearly infuriated patron wrote on their Facebook page “I hate woolworths… How can you do that to the Christians, I hope that God will have mercy on you. And dont be surprised if your shops run bankrupt.. I will pray to my living God and you will see what he is capable of!” Sweety listen, I promise God is a lot more concerned about famine in Senegal, crimes against humanity in North Korea and Richard trying to marry Mark in California to have much time to worry if Ridah is snacking on sweet rolls in Parow.
What Christianity can do to uplift individual’s lives is unquestioned, but they receive such a bad rap because of their intolerance. We are all chilled here man, just try one of my dagga buns and I’ll prove it to you. Just relax, say a couple of super awesome prayers and hymns and stuff and get on with your life in a non-aggressive “love thy neighbour” mantra that is the actual dictum of your faith. Also, in fairness, don’t piss off Muslims; they fly SAA too.