Will you buy me a drink?

A question that has been asked to many a man and the occasional woman too. And wow, what a question it is-

For ease of writing and maintenance of my own very minimal sanity I’m going to talk about this from a hetero-sexual male’s perspective- sorry to the gay guys and all the ladies reading this, you’re just going to have to apply it to your own situation of guy love.

So you are out in the club jamming with/chatting to a complete hottie of note and you get asked the question- WILL YOU BUY ME A DRINK?? Thoughts flash through your mind… “What if she likes me & this is the way she’s showing that she doesn’t want the party to stop anywhere short of her pants… At the same time this little vixen could be preying on my penchant for attractive women and is simply making use of my wallet to finance her entire night out.”

So how will you respond??? I mean you don’t exactly want to be cheap, but at the same time club drinks are expensive and most of us aren’t loaded like rappers. The first thing that you need to realise is what the media has told us about alcohol and its connection to sex (I enjoy blaming that which I love so dearly)- buying drinks for girls and guys (SEE I SAID IT ONCE FOR ALL YOU MAN-LOVERS) might impair judgement and lower levels of inhibition and cognitive functioning leading to the occasional bout of poor decision-making, leading in turn to you getting lucky and doing the horizontal tango (sex).

To be fair, this marketing has been backed up by a study on changes in the physiological and psychological levels of arousal as a result of alcohol consumption. In the study, participants who were given tonic water instead of alcohol (unbeknown to them obviously), experienced levels of arousal only slightly lower than the participants who had been knocking back the actual jungle juice.

In my opinion you should never expect anything in return for buying a drink for someone, which is why you should think long and hard the next time you are asked WILL YOU BUY ME A DRINK?? Every situation is different and thus requires a careful consideration of all the factors involved, which is why I’m not even going to attempt to come up with a magic bullet, one size fits all answer to the this tricky question. Instead I’ll give you all some useful guidelines drawn from personal experience.

When you SHOULDN’T buy a drink:

When what car you drive comes up in conversation… unless you brought it up… and if you did, you are a loser. No one cares what car you drive, OTHER than a goldigger- and you really don’t want them around because they’ll cost you more than Whitney Housten’s monthly crack-cocaine bill.

When’s she’s told you the same story about why she wants YOU to buy her a drink two weeks in a row. (This actually happened to me… seriously)

Your friend is standing over her shoulder gesturing to you what appears to be a pair of goggles on his face.

You’ve not spoken to her at all before being asked THAT question.

You’re broke and would be forfeiting your Rikki’s taxi fair to get home from the club.

When you SHOULD buy a drink:

You are enjoying her company and would like at bare minimum to keep the social lubricant that is alcohol flowing.

She’s your girlfriend (she shouldn’t have to ask you DICKHEAD)

You’re feeling generous… Make it rain

Its one of your best friends asking (water under the bridge considering how much they know about your sordid life)

Then finally if you’re like me and like to have a little bit of fun every now and again, you could try some of these responses out- you might just find the person you are with has a good sense of humour and a bit of wit and might actually be worth buying that drink for… A beautiful mind is equally attractive as a beautiful bum!

Some of them are my own and the rest I found while searching the depths of the internet for quiche recipes (what… I can cook)

“Will you buy me a drink?”
(pretending to shake a magic 8 ball vigorously) “Signs point to no”

“Will you buy me a drink?”
“Sure, give me the money… I know how pushy people at the bar can get”

“Will you buy me a drink?”
“Is that the best pickup line you can come up with? I’m not THAT easy.”

“Will you buy me a drink?”
“Why? Are you underaged?”

“Will you buy me a drink?”
Try smiling, tilting your head slightly as if to ponder deeply and then saying, “I dunno. The last time I did that, a woman tried to take advantage of me later.”
She’ll either laugh, look at you funny, or ask you to tell the story. If she asks for a story, be sure to give her a good one

Good luck navigating the high seas of club/bar life people… and if all else fails just remember to…

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Im a guy with a very particular view of life... im not quite sure what that view is just yet, but when I find out I'll be sure to let you know...