Currently the racial tension between black and white is stretched tighter than size 32 checkered pants on Winnie Mandela. Certain utterances from our so called esteemed leaders have left the nation on a clinical knife edge that sees racial identity and indeed racial affiliation as a vital medium to define who we are as people. This is where I step in. Because until now, you haven’t known who you are. In reality we’re about one more “racist, agent, ‘baas ted’, don’t touch me in my studio” moment away from a fully blown race war. You have to choose which side youre on, which “colours” you’ll wear and which team you support. Because while this might seem like a racial rugby match, the state of the nation means this ball youre kicking is a prejudicial atomic bomb waiting to explode. So what defines our racial guidelines? What makes coloureds so “mos poes naai”, whites so “Nee man Twannie, net in die bos gaan kak” and blacks so “heres a knife in your chest for your cellphone but I’ll blame it on apartheid”? And while this might seem like the height of some clandestine bigot’s insufferablity, I find it irrefutably heightens the most accepted preconceived stereotypes we adhere to daily. So let this white-media racist begin his extremist blog and if you take offence after you’ve read this piece of unadulterated sarcasm, then please kind sir… fuck right off! It’s a laugh, and in the wise words of our most admired Julius Malema, whenever there is outrage over the vile he speaks : “don’t take it out of context”.
Well naturally the first racial group we have, are the imperialist whites. These heinous boers who dare try to bring Western principles to the uncivilized world have done nothing but enslave the African children since Jan Van Riebeck first arrived with his Christianity and the invention he called “the wheel”. They’re epitomized by khaki socks rolled to below their knees and Hilux bakkies carrying more sheep then the Van Troffel familie can eat on a Heritage Day cook out, nay… braai out. They have enough stock piled weapons to ensure the AWB could take down an army of Jack Bauer’s with semi automated RPG rifles. Extremist whites are the most paranoid people on the planet. Not because aliens are among us or that the FBI has implanted microchips in their brains, but due to the fact that they think every non-white is a criminal waiting to rape their children and stab them in the lung for a fizz-pop. Hiding on their family’s Ventersdorp plaas, 99% of them have farmed mielies since the Great Trek was a fashion statement. And for some reason there are so many moustaches I’m not even 100% sure that the males develop an upper lip. They are an unmistakable breed filled with Koos’s, Jaapies and Van Tonders and while outnumbered still remain a serious war threat. Don’t underestimate the boer, imagine a battle ground with 100 times the Blue Bull’s scrum pack, after a Lamb Chop and Kilpdrift kuier *shiver*.
Theres a famous adage that says you should never bring a gun to knife fight, but you know half the coloured population has a sharpened toothbrush and a fully loaded gat tucked in their “whose your daddy” boxers at every waking moment. Front teeth? Who needs ‘em; makes for more of a target in an all out fist brawl. This race has found itself estranged from the larger South African populace because they took Micheal Jackson’s song “It Don’t matter if youre black or white” far too literally. Theyre too milky to be black, too chocolaty to be white and sniff far too much glue to be Chinese. Ironically probably the oldest heritage of all of South Africa’s “indigineous” peoples they have struggled to find attachment to a specific political movement. Yet their oppression has remained an exorbitant part of their inherent culture. Woodstock, Mitchell’s Plain and Grassy Park “Upper” have been their hunting ground for years. But beware when entering these parts, as coloureds are taught to do drive by’s at 8 years of age. If there was a tik Olympics coloureds would be the Jamaican Sprint relay team, on steroids, with modified Toyota Corolla twin exhausts on their ankles. But due to this they have no need to sleep, so come race war time everyone else better get used to some late night tele!
The black population of our country has been claiming rightful ownership of the nation ever since Shaka was executing the Khoi San faster than a nude Eugene Terblanche at a “I swear I don’t like boys” conference. The size of Soweto is larger than the entire population of Cape Town, and by this time next year will have risen to 8 times the size of Yugoslavia (not entirely true). It actually grows faster than Pamela Anderson’s mammaries circa that Baywatch episode where Hasselhof still grew his own fringe. They serve as over 95 percent of the country’s homeless and have an average monthly income of under R6000 per family. Wouldn’t you want to rise up and whack some crackers if you were in their shoes? They speak ten of the eleven official languages but can ask for “just a 2 rand boss” in every one. By law they must now be welcomed first into any position of employment, before any other race. And rightfully so. They’ve been abused for years by Verwoed and his henchmen of neo-Nazi thugs. But we haven’t had a competent black leader since Madiba could break dance and with Julius in the wings, it doesn’t look like we’ll have one til J-Lo’s twins are old enough to star in pornos. But the black’s strength is in numbers, muscular potency, and penal enormity; because no-one wants to go to war with 4 million dudes who can bench press 200 and strangle a toddler with their dick at the same time.
And yes we have the Indians, who have never won a major war. They love peace and curry so much they could only try and fart their way out of a civil uprising, and because of this I say all the power to them. The Chinese are doomed because you cant win a war with knock off Gucci, and I think you’ll struggle to find a South African Jap who is willing to plow his Kia Sorento into the Union buildings. Self sacrifice is so World War 2. So where do we stand? The ANC wont discipline their Juju; who will just be “forced” to apologize even if he threatens international journalists. The AWB will still fly the old flag and promise “cleansing” of the fatherland. And the coloured’s will… well… still drive gesoopde Fiat Unos and rob you for a bunny chow any day of the week. So if we had a race war who would win? Answer: the Jews. Because at the end of the day, years of experience, connections, enough wealth to power the expanding Yugoslavia we discussed earlier, and the sheer command of the Yarmulke, coupled with the fact that they have been preparing for a race war since Hitler was still warming to the idea of solid foods, has made these kids the leading militaristic world super power. And let’s face it, is there anything more scary then Barbara Streisand with an uzzi?