If the main purpose of all condoms is to stop you from having babies and contracting a sexually transmitted disease by catching jizz in a little bubble, why on earth are there so many different types available for purchase?
Marketing companies have led us to believe that, the type of condom that you purchase says something about you, much in the same way that your dress sense or choice of car does. If that were true, I’d better start thinking a little bit more about which number I punch in, the next time I use that vending machine in the club to buy some love gloves.
Let’s face facts here- for mooiness there are only 2 ways of interpreting the situation- either the guy is wearing a rubber or he isn’t. For a guy- the choice that you’ve made reflects your hopes and aspirations, your emotional state and what you believe is the best way to stay baby and disease free. Ribbed, lubricated, magnum, featherlite… the list goes on. So let’s have a look at a few of the options and what they say about you when wrapped tightly around your flagpole of joy.
“Ribbed for her pleasure”
Oh wow, how freaking sweet are you?! Putting her needs first is always a good way to go in the lovemaking process. Pity you didn’t realise that all you’re actually saying is that you don’t think your penis is good enough to do the job.
We all know what they say about guys who buy big condoms… actually wait- does anyone know why anyone other than Ron Jeremy needs these? Chances are, you have a fairly large ego, accompanied by a significantly smaller willy. Dude- regardless of whether the box says XL or not, she’s gonna know the difference as soon as you dip the tip.
“Last Longer/Extended Pleasure”
Yeah, I’m Sting and can have tantric sex for days on end, only stopping to hydrate from time to time- well yeah, it’s either that or I’m super insecure that I wont last longer than 20 seconds. Really, you might as well dip your penis in a glass of icy water and then rub it up nicely with some Novocain.
Goodness… who the hell are you? A Satanist maybe- I’d be very surprised if you ever have sex again with anything other than a donkey.
You think condoms really suck and the only reason you’ve bought them is because you think she’s been behind the shed a couple of times back in university days and it might be risky, to get frisky.
You wish you were a Jedi Knight and you think your penis is a lightsaber
Well the hookers on the corner will be stoked to taste something different on a weeknight.
You will be judged on the company and condoms you keep, so give it a little bit of thought the next time you’re in your local Engen Garage.