Recently I have harked back to yester year; when global warming was a nice way to get a tan, the worst thing an American President ever did was accept a sneaky hay-jay and our major culinary concern was whether or not this poor cow was free-ranging it in a meadow or mainlining the odd hormone in a bovine prison cell. Fast-forward to today’s melodrama and I’m almost entirely sure that my Big Mac contains horse lips. What the fuck? Forget that a burger costs nearly 3 times what it did a decade ago, now I’m not even sure that the meat I’m eating didn’t once have talons. And yes, I know everyone thinks that this only happens in Britain in those massive stores that sell garden furniture and bulk meat parcels, but I have some horrible news for you; Stellenbosch University is once again ruining hopes and dreams with a new study. Enjoying that ham and cheese you got there? Nice and Tasty? Fulfilling? Eat up, because there’s a 68% chance its donkey.
On January 17th, Tesco issued a full page apology in 28 major newspapers for the scandal in which it was discovered the majority of their burger patties where in fact 30% horse and also contained pork. South African’s sat gleaming at this chance to posture over their Pommie counterparts, as they had been on the receiving end of Kevin Pietersen jokes for years. But now, just as they were flexing the Mzansi muscle, Stellenbosch professor Louw Hoffman (no relation to Dr. Hoffman) wee’d on their patriotic flames and announced that 68% of locally produced mince meat, burger patties, deli meats and sausages contained not the majestic meat of a Black Beauty stallion, but rather it’s third world impoverished cousin: the donkey. Great way to instil national pride South African’s; have a dodgy meat in our hotdogs that can’t even show jump.
Water Buffalo and goat also made strong appearances on the list, as well as some unknown plant compounds. And while locals weren’t bleating “Wow, this is some power goat” while biting into succulent fast food, complaints never peaked higher than normal during the course of the study. So does it matter? We’ve all seen the viral picture of the McNuggets prior to their nugget form. Soft gelatinous pink ooze looks delicious when you think it’s a strawberry shake, yet not so much when you realise its bloodied chicken mucus. However a “number 4 with fries” still flies from the kitchen faster than Clay Aiken from a Playboy pyjama party. It tastes good as long as you remain ignorant. See kids, knowledge is ruining all our fun. Quit school now.
But let’s forget health, religious and moral obligations altogether (like when Mel Gibson bangs an Iranian coke dealer) and talk truth for a second. According to The Star newspaper, City Grill restaurant in the V&A Waterfront was lying about a large portion of their exotic meat (ironically also what Mel Gibson calls his penis). Their Springbok was Ostrich, their warthog was pig, and their Kudu was Wildebeest. Ordering one thing and getting a cheap alternative is just dishonest and when you’re paying prime dollar, it’s inexcusable. Your donkey burger is a cheap alternative and betrays your consumer’s trust. So I plead with Professor Hoffman to release the names of offenders, so I can just go back to my regular hormone filled abused beef of yester year, and not have to worry about any of this new age indignity.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he reveals the secrets to a delicious kitten curry, and how to really get the most out your goat (in both the kitchen and the bedroom…. Am I right Aussies?)