Want a great Antique? Try African Culture

Western culture is a disease ridden Frankenstein; forged from the limbs of underage pregnancy broadcast on MTV and stilettoed strippers hanging their bosom in the faces of married men. Its an ideal world of 9 to 5s, 2 and half kids and great dental packages. Its Nike shoes, Grey’s Anatomy, microwave meals and a short back and sides until you reach your rebellious teenage years. Its monotonous drool, lacking great foundation or heritage, where cash is king and “me” comes first. The legacy of colonialism is justified by inventing the wheel and forcing religion so far down the throats of native people, that their stomach lining has an imprint of the cross. Beyond a turkey at Christmas and fondling the garden for chocolate eggs at Easter; the west has little in the way of a cultural throne. But this isn’t to say it hasn’t adapted as a contemporary civilization. Religious killings, church rule and monarchies have been disbanded in favour of a more racially tolerant, sexually aware and free thinking democratic society (although try being a Pakistani and opening up a gay kebab stand in Millwall England). For the most part it is an adaptive lifestyle that takes on modern philosophy and a new-age frame of mind from studious research. Mostly. Yes you will find Nazis skinning kittens in the name of white power, but that isn’t culture as much as it extremism.

But then we look at our local inheritance. Our contentious president represents the best and worst of South African culture. The singing, the dancing, the prancing; our political sphere is a joyous celebration likened to a fatter LMFAO with worse breath. However in a day and age where promiscuity is birthing AIDS orphans faster than octo-mom at a Viagra convention; his polygamous lifestyle, no his lifestyle as slutty man whore, has developed an acceptance of lewd behaviour among a nation where 1 in 4 people have HIV. Let’s not forget one of the highest instances of domestic abuse in a country where women are all too often seen as possessions rather than equals. It’s a country where 15% of the population are totally reliant on child support grants, and increased family numbers are a direct cause of over population and the resultant poverty. This is a poor cultural inheritance that has been demonised by western institutions, but for logical reasoning. Over population and woman abuse in Africa is a large cause of its plight, and when you have its first citizen gallivanting as if he only discovered his penis at age 70, then our non-progressive culture is to the detriment of our people.

We are not a country known for our tolerance. Our racial divide is not so much a cultural legacy as an institutionalized beacon of shame. But racial polarisation aside, the hatred shown to the homosexual community is a disgrace. If I hear one more evangelical Africanist lambaste a gay dude, because homosexuality is “un-African” I’m going to seriously lose my shit. The white man didn’t make anyone gay. I do not envisage ‘ol Van Riebeeck pulling into the Goodhope and starting a flamboyant rendition of Cats The Musical to tempt the same-sex locals. It’s a natural phenomenon from your mother eating too much cabbage during pregnancy, everyone knows that. Jokes aside, using a cultural veil to defend hate crimes is flat up ridiculous. It’s a human condition.

Our government’s insistence on funding tribal monarchies is dung thrown in the face of taxpayers. Besides the legions of wives these kings take on (all insistent on virgins, through rigorous and invasive virgin testing techniques) through the government’s fiscal policy they are receiving millions, which our country, and specifically their kingdoms, can ill afford. King Goodwill Zwelithini of KZN is given 60 million rand a year for his family’s upkeep. His lands are vast, and separately funded by government, yet a loud call for land to be taken without compensating the owner is widely called for white owned farms. Are we missing the boat here in an insistence of funding a fogy?

Western culture is a cultureless infatuation with commercialism.  It brings out terrible qualities in people with little heritage. But African culture, in many circumstances, is archaic and oppressive. Its 2012 and ancient traditions must be adapted for the contemporary era. We are third world, because a lot of the time our practises are third world. I’m not saying replace labola with a marriage reality show, but some of the customs I have spoken about are hurting this country and anyone who speaks out against them is racist or tribalist. Nonsense. Circumcisions should be done in the hospital, not with a sharp rock in the bush, you shouldn’t care if your neighbour is lesbian; it doesn’t affect you, and you certainly should not be sleeping with any set of tits that looks at you with a lustful smile, just because a male’s virility is a sign of societal approval. It’s not racist; its realist, the west left ancient traditions in an attempt to keep a respectful modern tone. If we think about it properly, we can adapt our African heritage into an even better more steadfast culture that makes the West look barbaric. But we if we continue like we are, I fear we won’t progress to the power house we deserve to be.


*Follow @Stroobz as he has more light hearted moments dressed as Miranda from Sex and the City, and puts a Go-Pro on his chest during a jello wrestling contest.

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  1. I wish your whole article was a good as that last line. Interesting topic tho, thanks…!

  2. Always on point Stroob. I particularly love how you managed to make an Easter egg hunt sound sexual.

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