One of the more vexing problems that puzzled me throughout childhood was where to hide my porn mags. One might think that the over used palpable arena beneath my mattress would have sufficed, but my mother was a sly old bat. Ultimately, the safest deadbolt was between the pages of my Children’s Britannica Encyclopaedias. Smack bang in the section on correct table manners, lay a singular Hustler; her pages embarrassingly stuck together and worn. I knew each of those girls literally back to front. I knew that Brandy, from Santa Monica liked playing chess on rainy days, and anal. I knew that Sheniqua from Orlando had a cute little beauty spot above her right hip, and a meticulously kept uterine wall. These were the goddesses of my 13 year old kingdom, and I was its furiously masturbating king. I wasn’t some chauvinistic prick who beat chicks if my shoes didn’t exude the right amount of shine, I praised these Amazonian wonders. So it was with a slight sense of “What the fuck is this bitch on” when a friend of mine challenged the recent Maxim hot 100 as a complete dogmatic objectification of the female race. As soon as a woman’s looks are a defining factor in your assertion on who she is as a whole, then her worth is devalued? Bullshit.
I notice that any cry of sexism never ululates from the mouth of men. When People Magazine published its “Top100 Sexiest men alive” edition, I didn’t see a bunch of unshaven beer drinking machos condemning the publication for viewing males as pieces of meat. “We’re people too girls, we have brains and personalities. We are not just dicks with rock hard abs, ok?” But are we, as men, merely ok with being objectified? If a legion of pillow fighting blonde women were clambering around People to view my bronzed up nips on a Malibu beach, I would be fucking honoured. I wouldn’t think that they didn’t appreciate my academic prowess, because sometimes it’s ok to perv a bit. If I had become fit and sexy enough to be published topless then chances are I’m healthy too; don’t hate because I choose not to eat carbs. Which sparks the real question in all of this; have you ever seen a hot feminist?
The archetypal hairy under-armed lesbo, who’s massively into gardening and carpentry, is the largest critic of Maxim’s holy grail. “Why should we all aspire to society’s idea of beauty?” Well, you shouldn’t, and I don’t think that the magazine is saying that. But there will always be men out there, who crave a sneaky look into the forbidden pasture, and your over-forested poonani isn’t necessarily the flavour of the day; this doesn’t mean you aren’t a nice person. A quick glance through the top100 leaves the reader aware that 95% of the professions on display rely on looks. Models, actresses, performers all have a career intrinsically related to their appearance. Do we look at Forbes list of top100 creatives and chastise them for “objectifying my mind”? You know I’m more than just my mind right? “I’m a moderately sized penis and solid two-pack as well, jeez.”
At the end of the day, looks are the tools of these girls’ trade. They need large exposure to further their careers. If you, as a reader, are dumb enough to read a magazine and idolise someone based solely on their looks then it is you who are doing the objectification, not Maxim who simply rewards pretty looking girls for being photographed well. Guys are genetically engineered to hump everything. They will find material that helps the act of “palm love making” any way they can, you can’t change society, and frankly Maxim’s attempt at providing masturbatory material is shocking. These girls exist and the publication is merely giving them a greater platform, its up to you to find out who the girls are away from the glitz, lights and photoshopped boobs. Its really nothing for global feminists to be too concerned about. Lets look at domestic abuse, rape and the hindrance to female success in the workplace, or better yet… have you ever seen a naked one armed midget swallow a whole cantelope? Now there’s objectification worthy of worry.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he fights for male rights around the globe and shows a couple of great designs for the male bikini wax industry.