The Top 5 Places For Erotic Sex…. Ever


In an insatiable pursuit to sit on the throne as a sexual oligarch, I ventured down the twisted and depraved alleyway of the World Wide Web in search for some hallowed ground of sexual deviance. Where is the best place to make the beast with two backs (or the beast with 3 or 4 backs, as then its easier to slip in a sneaky high 5)? The answers were banal and uninspiring. An airplane? That’s so 90s and they have smoke detectors in the bathrooms now (don’t ask). On a beach? With my moves, a little sand in the wrong place and my penis turns into a power sander. Where’s the risk? Where’s the adventure? So I decided to go in search of a variety of areas that got the blood pumping, the sweat dripping, and a possible jail sentence of 1 – 2 years.

The Boss’s Office

Firstly, give yourself an extra 10 points if he’s still in it at the time. The natural biological response to entering the big guy’s room of business is sweaty palms, a racing heart beat and a slight quiver at the knee; the expected reaction when unclothing a blonde beauty for the first time. I advise making use of the famous Richard Gere arm swing, and flinging all files and papers viciously to the floor in a singular movement, picking the feisty feline up and dropping her on the tabletop. Sometimes, if you’re feeling really kinky, one might leave his smiling children’s school photos facing you, just cause it’s nice to be noticed. TIP: make sure the webcam is off. Also, get her to call you “sir” and then threaten to retrench the shit out of her if she doesn’t do a good job. She will.

Famous users of the Boss’s Office (or BO for short) are: Dwight from “The office” when he gets a ghetto ho, and Madonna’s Malawian adopted son when he reaches 40, hasn’t made it, and is forced into a mid level accounting job.

The Meat Aisle at Shoprite

Nothing breathes the hot breath of kink quite like a bed of beef roasts. Succulent raw meat, as a support system during coitus, helps provide the illusion that one is actually indulging in a five or possibly even six way. This carnal pleasure takes one back to the beginning of time, where a woman’s attraction to a man was based on his ability to provide. By laying her down on a mattress of briskets, you reincarnate this primordial urge, plus if you have never slapped a chick’s bum with a pork fillet then you haven’t truly lived. TIP: Stay away from the “stewing meats” section; the potential for bones is too high. Also, meat aisle does not mean fish aisle – don’t be a weirdo. And remember, meat equals butchers equals cleavers equals “I hope to fuck you aren’t circumcised if you get caught”

Famous users of the meat aisle include: Jason Statham after he’s killed three dudes and Dame Judi Dench after winning an Oscar for her work in a period piece.

An ANC Press Conference

When you think of eroticism you can’t help but think of Luthuli House. With the rich history between those silky walls, and Gwede Mantashe’s sultry moustache, it really just screams sex. Chances are you won’t miss much in the way of emphatic policy decisions either so a bit of “pickling the beetroot” is a nice way to pass the time. Lights will be dim and cameras facing away from the gallery so you should be safe, but go for double bonus points and try get one of her gasps on an SAFM sound bite. TIP: Do not get caught, Jacob will join in and you do not want to cross swords with that machine gun.

Famous users of the Press Conference are: Helen Zille in her spiteful yet “down for anything” menopausal stage, and George Michael – because he loves black dick.

Under the Bride and Groom’s Table at a Wedding

Love is in the air, and if you do it wrong it could smell foul. The risk of knowing that right above you someone is slowly devouring a braised springbok shank, and a hall of two hundred people could discover you at anytime, is enough to make the hormone thermometer burst. Realistically you’re confined to a flattened missionary position, because too much movement and you could achieve more Youtube hits than Double Rainbow dude and Angry Ginger kids combined. TIP: Wedding cake isn’t just for eating, take that as you will. Also, bridesmaids were put on earth for the sole purpose of getting drunk and making regrettable decisions, never let that go to waste.

Famous under the table wedding bangers: Owen Wilson’s brother Luke, who never appeared in the blockbuster “Wedding Crashers” and now bangs the caterers under the table while crying. Elizabeth Taylor, because after 8 marriages that bitch can’t legally marry in Missouri but she can’t get enough of that matrimonial bliss.

A Mother Fucking Tiger Cage, Bitch

Reserved for the ultimate of adventuring philanderers; the rush of coital interlude while a savage animal mutilates a lamb carcass in the corner is enough to give a 70 year old Muhammad Ali an erection. Fearing for one’s life while perched in a doggy style position means you have to finish fast, so make every thrust count. Im gonna be honest for a second, I don’t make quiet love, im a shouter, but be careful not to roar like the fucking king of the jungle (my standard orgasm expletive), because this might upset the status quo among the wild cats, and we all know how wild cats love the status quo. TIP: Don’t wear a meat dress. Sounds obvious, but you would be surprised.

Famous bravehearts of the cage include: Bear Grylls, while a Korean woman slowly urinates on him. And UFC fighter Brok Lesner on methamphetamine, who occasionally gets carried away and tries to have intercourse with a panther.

So there you have it folks. Next time you think youre cool for pulling to the side of Chapman’s Peak and having a quicky on your bonnet; remember that if you were a true Indiana Jones of poontang you would explore sexual caverns of mystery.

~Stroob~

*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he live tweets a BJ from Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma during a UN peace conference without ever being able to use the words “Too much teeth”.

 

Comments 6

    1. Ironically there is a similar list on Cracked, but it was so lame. A boat, a beach, a movie house? First time i have ever been unimpressed by them.

  1. Stroobz, you already had me doubled over in laughter at “With my moves, a little sand in the wrong place and my penis turns into a power sander.”

    Superb.

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