The Imperative Regulations of a Booty Call


<img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-43353" title="Booty-Call-564×272" src="htt

p://www.mycitybynight.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Booty-Call-564×272.jpg” alt=”” width=”564″ height=”272″ />

The human race is a fickle species driven by an unwavering instinct to pro-create. Add a smidgen of college students, a dribble of tequila and a more-intricate-than-normal game of Twister and before you know it teen pregnancy is growing faster than an Armenian’s back hair. The sexual urge among all non-geriatric humans above the age of 12 means that clubs, bars and, for some odd reason, hardware stores are all primordial hunting grounds in the never ending pursuit of intercourse. However one might not be in the position to attain a partner for a night of ensconced love making, and so, as we always seem to do in this hallowed age of technology; we turn to our phones. The booty call: an unrepentant one-off endeavour that never leads to cuddling. It is the only time where it is appropriate to sleep with ugly chicks, because no one but your door man will ever know. A single meeting, not to be publicly repeated, shrouded in secrecy and the benevolence of serving each other’s needs. It follows my old mantra of “Dip the tip and quit” and has served the world well since Alexander Graham Bell first introduced the telephone in 1876. In fact the second person he called was a milk-maid down the road, for a quicky in the back of his horse cart. There are some basic rules to follow though, as the potential for disaster is rife.

Don’ts

  • Never, and I mean never, pick up that phone when drunk. Your wit and charm is directly proportionate to your breath.  If it reeks of Scotch, then you aren’t the acclaimed Don Juan and sexual heathen you think you are. Chances are you might be inspired to sing a bridge verse from one of Luther Vandross’s love albums. This only works on 80’s African American women and in a modern context will not result in sex. You won’t be funny, you won’t be romantic and chances are you’ll be passed out before she even arrives.
  • Never let her bring a friend. It sounds great. But his name will be Maurice and he will dress in leather.
  • The person you select for your booty call must fulfil a series of prescribed criteria. She must not be a fervent social network user – she will tell everyone, and tag you in a photo of sushi. She must have her own transport, and most importantly of all; she must never be an estranged ex girlfriend from a by-gone era. Re-lighting an old flame will end in tears. If she carries a vendetta then during you post-coital snooze she has free reign over your house. Your favourite Armani shirt will become a vest, the batteries will be stolen out of your remote control, and your couch will smell like a fish factory; because its filled with old fish. If shes coming over at 2am, after speaking to you for the first time in months, she is psychotic and you will likely be killed.
  • Your technique is important. Somehow you have to use your phone voice to convince a girl to travel to your house. There are certain lines and ideas never to be tampered with. “I’m wearing your underwear and I think you should come get it” would be aptly described as a don’t. “I can’t watch porn during this electricity outage so I thought I’d try the next best thing” is also a rocky slope. Other danger words include “leopard print” “Turkey baster” “My niece” and/or any reference of any kind to any religious symbol (Unless shes a slutty nun).

Do’s

  • Always use provocative vernacular in order to land your catch. Words that require a lot of tongue action will create a waterfall between her thighs. “Sultry” “luscious”  “vivacious” “superfluous shallot” all employ a potential roll on the “S” sound. You can imply superior oral skills by literally telling her what you want for dinner. Bonus points if she brings you a stir-fry.
  • Always call. Nothing is tackier than a text request for action. “Hey, u wanna cum round 4 a bump n grind”. If you do get laid off 160 characters or less then you are either a Clooney, a royal prince, a John in search of prostitutes, or the single greatest man ever to exist. I kindly request an asexual hug in the future.
  • Always be in the position to welcome female company. If you are lying on the couch watching wrestling, with pizza crumbs in your chest hair, you aren’t exactly oozing sex appeal. Have a shower, a shave and make her feel slightly less deplorable for pulling in at 2am for some rough and tumble. Girls will always have a higher moral standard then guys, don’t let her leave in regret.
  • Always be alone when she arrives. If she walks through the door wearing a trench coat, heels and nothing else, then the last thing she wants to hear is “Hey babe, these are my mates Ahmed and Sameer, they’re just gonna play Xbox while we go upstairs.”

With all of this in mind remember that the potential for this not to go to plan is large. Luring a vixen bedwards through a phone call is no easy feat. It can ruin relationships and must not be entered into lightly. Also be somewhat dubious as to the type of lady that responds to such requests. Although it might sound like an Olympic diving move, the “triple rubber wrap” will make sure that your man tackle will look like its wearing an opaque gimp suit, but you won’t get aids. Never get aids. You’ll have a bad time. Enjoy guys and girls and private message me for my cell.

~Stroob~

*Follow @Stroobz as he drunk texts your mum, and learns that it’s unacceptable to go rose picking in the nude.

Back to