Theres a refined skill to courting a woman in three minutes, hell theres a refined skill in courting a fair maiden in 3 months… and that’s if you have a 7 figure income, a boat, a butler named Gabriel and a 10 inch dong. So when Monday night’s World record speed dating extravaganza reared its head upon MCBN’s illustrious social calendar, we knew we were heading for war. The Biscuit Mill provided a 70 degree Celsius setting that graciously caused larger wet patches under our arms than we were hoping to create on our bed sheets later that evening. Nothing says romance like sweating through your underwear. However the sweltering desert failed to deter our ravenous mojos and four double Jack and limes later we began to bring the A-Game. As we plowed our way through three 18 year old 1st year students in under 10 minutes, we realized we’d hit the mother load and before I’d filled out a single scorecard I had chewed the entire top half of my pen. But there has to be a strategy for this pit of anonymity and sexual deviance, and when I left that building I knew we must create a guide to help aspiring speedsters fulfill their goals, except Gareth Cliff, seriously oke, grow a chin, its like your mouth is joined to your chest.
First off by far the most important piece of advice I can convey, is lie. I actually nearly convinced an advertising intern to let me give her rhynoplasty. The key is that these women have no idea who you are, and chances are youre not as cool as your mum likes to believe, so become the “astronaught philanthropist who runs an animal shelter for wounded puppies” you’ve always wanted to be. Inevitably when dating 20 chicks in an evening you will encounter some “uggos”, and while our initial disparagement of meeting girls twice our size had gotten us slightly down, we soon realized that these were the morbid targets of plummeting self-esteem we’d always wanted. Julia from Rondebosch, I’m not really an Agent for plus sized models, I don’t have an agency called “Yetti’s Bettys” and no matter which way you wear that lip ring its not going to make Jesus love you. I’m sorry. However I’m definitely printing fake business cards for next time.
Secondly, don’t be shy of half time tequila shots. Our venue had been adorned with a full bar and it probably forced me to say things I would usually think twice before uttering. Things like “I only have one testicle but it makes me work twice as hard”, “I bet you’ve got great pubes” or my biggest regret for the evening “So… You’re from Durbanville? Awesome”. But the drinking does lubricate the social environment and before I knew it I had twenty girls eating out the palm of my hand, but not literally, normally I wait ‘til the third date.
So as the end of the night approached I reached my final date, my shirt was drenched with sweat and the sweet scent of young love. I entered the back seat of a Chevy Spark to find a 5FM DJ whose name I cant pronounce (Dineo) and whose slot time is so late her only listeners are security guards and prostitutes. We kicked it off instantly and now I’m doing a Bruce Springsteen ballot cover at 3 15am on Thursday morning. Finally our scorecards were entered and now I play this painful waiting game, to see if any of the young nubile nymphs dare climb into my lair of sexual disparity and broken promises. Who was as excited to meet me as I was excited for them to meet me? (And no, that is not a typo). I guess the last little bit of ironic knowledge I can bestow is that only time will tell!!
PS: Huge shout out to 5FM, thanks for letting us be a part of the largest speed dating event in the history of our great planet. Thanks to Senor Ginga Kreg and the guys from Trinity and Quirk for accompanying us along the adventure. But most of all, thank you to all the impressionable young girls that helped prove that large misogynistic events can still be a roaring success in the mother city!