Reality television is a tricky little pickle, the fact that the Kardashians and something called a Snooki can be home box office hits is probably an indication that the Mayans were right, and the earth is cursed to a fiery damnation. Fun times. Yet the scariest part of this pickle jar, is that your average couch dweller is sitting at home cheering on an orange human being, named the Situation, to physically abuse a woman. Conflict sells. Drunken conflict sells better. Add a sex tape and all of a sudden you can be the first human with an IQ under 73 to have a million dollars. But let’s look at a more locally relevant context; the world of Big Brother. What started out as an excuse for old men to look at unattractive women during shower hour in the early 2000’s, has degenerated into a snooze fest that could force a tik addict into an afternoon slumber. Amateur golf is more riveting. So how do we spice it up? The overseas model uses stunningly hot semi-handicapped bombshells soaping each other in the Jacuzzi. But that’s Norway, and we aren’t so superficial are we? Lies. I propose a celebrity Big Brother tournament, combining the astute prowess of SABC1’s glamour aficionados, and white racists. We place them all in a secluded house, pump them with alcohol, and maybe give them some sort of weaponry; you know, so the show has some “bite”. Would you not watch that? Steve Hofmeyer, after three quarters of a bottle of Jack, and a shiv: Television gold! Now to just select our players…
Gareth Cliff: This man-child has been getting priests all warm in their nether regions since age six. His witty tongue and cuddly cheeks makes you love him, and makes you secretly long to take a chainsaw to his arm at the same time. Never shy of a battle of words and opposed to bullshit in many forms; the world’s first tweeny bopper with a beard would make a perfect addition to the house. He would find fault in everything, and probably get shanked within the first few days of the show’s conception; but that would do nothing but boost the programme’s Twitter clout. “Just got stabbed on @CelebBBSA, someone tell Damon I need a kiss”
Julius M: This fat stalwart of black racism makes white people quiver, and pie shops run out of stock. Ever the glutton, food rationing is not his strong point. Couple that with white folk trying to make him dishes called “Gazpacho” when it’s their turn to cook and the subsequent race riot will make ratings sky rocket.
Candice Swanepoel: Shower hour. No further explanation required.
Pieter De Villiers: Oom Piet’s sole function will be to make the rest of the house at least appear sober. Brandewyn De Vill, as his new friends shall affectionately come to know him, will give the audio chaps a headache, and necessitate the first ever use of live subtitling through his incoherence and failed command of the English language; so much so that we could even say he’s the “foreign” element in the house’s contingent.
Jub Jub: This mother fucker has killed children, and has an affection for hard liquor, prostitutes and prescription medication. All things considered, all he needs is a Vagina the size of Botswana and a speech impediment and Blaaaammmmmo: The black Snooki.
Nonhle Thema: Nothing makes reality TV better than pure and utter delusion; whether it be the fact that the Jersey Shore cast thinks looking like a human naartjie on growth hormones is attractive, or that Nonhle Thema thinks she deserves respect from any rational human being. Shes more bitchy than a gay Hitler and is probably the most likely to stab Gareth Cliff.
Steve “the Beave” Hofmeyer: You know that cringe moment during Bloemfontein rugby matches where the whole crowd suddenly bursts into song during Die Stem in the national anthem? That gives Steve the thunderdome of erections. Sharing a dorm room with black compatriots might make for the greatest TV moment since the moon landing.
Roxy Louw: Because she will bring a unique intelligence and learned eloquence into an otherwise dreary melting pot of mediocrity. Kidding; its for her tits.
Benni McCarthy: Kwaito star, overweight footballer, national spokes person for coloureds with golden teeth; Benni is a “well-rounded” picture of perfection that epitomizes South Africa’s celeb culture. The only man to ever do 100 push ups, eat a Big Mac and commit a B&E simultaneously; the house would be a lesser place without him.
I cant promise anything remotely PG13 coming from a house such as this, but I can guarantee extreme violence, prejudice and full frontal nudity. A mockery of popular culture, yet a million dollar enterprise: A perfect indictment of 21st century entertainment!
- Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he gets caught wearing ladies underwear in a Mosque, and gets a tattoo of a an ironic peach on his Adam’s apple.