Ricky’s UCT RAG Sax Appeal piece (unedited)

For all of you who missed out on purchasing the UCT RAG Sax Appeal yesterday here is the unedited (before the UCT team had made their slight changes) version of my piece which was on page 59 and 60 (if you bothered to count the pages, seeing as there were no page numbers). Hope you enjoy it, let me know what you think MyCityByNight alumni 🙂

It sounded better in my head.

One thing that you learn during your time on God’s green earth is that things are never quite the way that they seem. Just take a moment to think all the way back to when you were a little munchkin ambling around the house in your nappy, blurting out random noises and having a wee in your pants without society ever really frowning on you- Did those brightly coloured crayons actually taste anywhere near as good as you thought that they would? Yeah I thought so…

It really is something that becomes ever more apparent as you grow up and the experience of life begins to wash over you along with the knowledge that crabs anywhere other than in the sea or cooked on top of your plate is no joke. If you were ever a student who decided to show up and then pay attention in a portion of the early morning first year psychology lectures available at the prestigious UCT, you’d know that there is a school of psychological thought that describes a young child as being a “blank slate”, open for us to mess up, with all of our expectations and personal shortcomings and fears. At that stage of your life, the baby version of you believed that when your mom ducked under the edge of the bed while playing a spot of peek-a-boo with you, that she had disappeared entirely and then conjured up her atoms to once again miraculously appear in front of your eyes… Oh my, how you get let down from there.

Soon after that I learnt that turtles bought from the local pet shop were not able to battle squids in robotic suits, even if I painted them in the colours of Donatello, Raphael, Michaelangelo, Leonardo- very sad. I even look at my choice of career back when I was a little whipper-snapper and let me tell you, it was a great deal more dangerous and manly than my current vocation. As clichéd as this sounds, when I was little I wanted to be a fireman, putting out fires… now while sitting at the forefront of local blogging and online entertainment, we at MyCityByNight are pretty much the one’s that tend to start them in the local entertainment and nightlife industry. I couldn’t be less exciting… or more c- list celebrity than Leanne Liebenberg.

Speaking of the fine and amazingly classy Mrs Liebenberg who just recently bore Nicky V’s (as I like to call him, because we’re close like that) fruit from her loins… Once the role model for most girls out there, giving them a more realistic body image to aspire to achieve than the usual stick figure with no soul that we’re so used to, I bet no-one expected her to be more common than the everyday cold. The reality of the situation is that Danny K really lucked out- I’m really not sure if he would be able to get up again after attending yet another beachfront café party where sad posers splash bottles of champagne on each other, which they haven’t even paid for, pretend to be molested and then make a huge fuss

committing career suicide in the process. Oh well, at least Noleen will still have you on the show.

And don’t think that this phenomenon is something that is confined to the inside of swanky beachfront restaurants in Cape Town. The fantasy of all those people who came to the World Cup in South Africa last year, expecting to see lions and tigers must have been terribly dashed when they got down here and instead the wildest thing that they got to see was Paris Hilton smoking a doobie outside the stadium in the rather scenic town of Port Elizabeth (what, I didn’t really know what else to say about that place- its that boring out there).

Unfortunately the most carnal and enjoyable (in my opinion) act out there on the earth- sex- has not been spared a similar fate. Think back to the first time (I know that at least 99% of you have already engaged in the horizontal tango, so stop pretending- the anti-aids campaign told me so.)- You probably left the experience thinking, is that all? What, no fireworks, no music, no declarations of ever lasting love or people captured on an island by Stefano Dimera?! Its even more heart-breaking for guys- expecting to have the sex stamina of Sting, a whole new meaning is given the phrase one-minute man, over pretty much before it even began.

It all seems quite nice when you do imagine it in your head- all misty, bathed in warm mood lighting, but then when you actually do have a red ball-gag shoved in your mouth while being suspended over a pit of alligators having your bum tickled with a feather, things are suddenly not quite as awesome as you’d imagined.

Sometimes you can have the worst possible expectations and things don’t actually turn out so badly and you end up having the best time ever. I mean just think of the last time that you actually did follow through on that lesbian twin sex fantasy… I’m sure that things could have been far worse than an afternoon with the scissor sisters.

Things are never as they seem in my head and sometimes this leaves me pleasantly surprised. I never imagined that things could actually be this awesome while growing up in South Africa. When the democracy finally kicked in all those years ago, I was expecting a bit of a change in who or what was found on the front of notes and coins of our currency. I expected some really wise men that had been locked away and sent to exile, to make a little bit of a difference, but instead we now live in one of the most culturally diverse, rich, and spirited places on this planet. South Africa is a country that serves as an example to others across the world looking to get cultural diversity just right. I mean, who would have thought that today we can even choose the cell phone network provider and bank that we would most like to be irritated by. It really is a magical democracy.

The fantasy was that Hammer had enough power to ensure that nobody would touch this, when the reality was that anyone with a bit of a budget and new light and very cool beer could get him to jump through a number of hoops if they wanted him to. Who needs the American dream, when we’ve got the Cape Tonian one right here?!

So, my question to you is- Is there is a way for you to avoid other people being disappointed by the fantasy that they had of you, in their heads? What jumps to mind first is one of the most fundamental laws of good sales, underpromise and over deliver- often other people will be surprised at how awesome you actually are, which is great for the amount of friends that you have Facebook (MyCityByNight) or followers that you have on Twitter (@RickyBynight). Have a quick little think about it- if you said that you had a terribly skewed penis or that your vagina melts steel, walk with a limp and then go on to be decent or better in bed, people will start myths, tell stories and create urban legends about your sexual prowess for all of history to acknowledge and adore. That’s generally what makes the UCT RAG Magazine so freaking good to read- for the most part its about drinking, partying and being as rockstar as possible and when the contributors to it, actually remain lucid enough to put together an entire sentence- WITH punctuation, grammar and the lot in it, people are generally quite wowed, wanting to see whether the trend of being able to combine breathing and writing our names at the same time will continue. It really is a recipe for long-lasting readership if I ever heard of one (you bought this didn’t you?!).

Things are never quite the way they seem, just like Amway isn’t actually a scam or speed cameras aren’t used to make money for the traffic department. The worry is that after all of your struggling and toiling away, finally getting what you want, that it once again might not be as good as you imagined it. Well, when I do eventuality get the chance to be surrounded by 13 mooiness (colloquial for attractive women) with varying ethnic descent, fanning me while I order really amazing meals from Ethiopian trained monkeys, I’ll be sure to let you know if it is indeed as good in real life as it was in my head.

Ricky Bynight out

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Im a guy with a very particular view of life... im not quite sure what that view is just yet, but when I find out I'll be sure to let you know...