PMS, Period.

Periods. They’re somewhat scary to guys around the World, with the obvious exception of Americans- to them, periods are the same thing as full-stops (not frightening at all). I say somewhat scary because for the most part we’re trying to put off continuing our DNA chain and picking schools for as long as possible, rejoicing quietly inside every time that period arrives (which by the way isn’t exactly definitive, you can still bleed while pregnant for a couple of months- apparently).

Of more interest to guys is the period leading up to the… well, period. Yup, you all know that wonderful time when your girl reminds you of magical rainbows and majestic unicorns as she wields a knife in the air, threatening to castrate you for leaving your towel on the floor in the bathroom. It is a fairly scary time for even the most hardened war-ready man.

For the most part single guys are able to side step the craziness of a woman possessed by hormonal fluctuations in her monthly cycle occurring before menstruation. For the rest of us, shacked up with the love of our lives, PMS (premenstrual syndrome) is a real thing, that could get you killed if you’re not careful. I don’t really want any of you to die (no-one else wants to read my stuff), so I’ve gone through the liberty of preparing a simple to follow guide to avoid the worst of a pms-ey girlfriend- making her feel better and you feel more sane.

Rule no1: You don’t talk about Fight Club

Never, ever say anything about it being “that time of the month” or something more insensitive like enquiring if she’s “on the rag”. Your lady is probably going to take offense or kick you in the nuts.

Rule no2: The key is in the preparation

Any cook will tell you that a great deal of making a meal a success is in the preparation of the ingredients. Try and keep track of the time when your girl pms’d last month. If this too difficult there are several apps available on the iPhone and Android enabled counterparts that assist in tracking her cycle. While you are doing your best to be a Sherlock Holmes of pms-tracking, you might want to keep in mind that many women have irregular cycles and this may not be the best guide.

Rule no3: A lion is always going to roar

Don’t do anything stupid. I’m a guy so I know how difficult this is. At least try second guess yourself before trying to use the flaming-funnel while watching the football with your mate’s at home, while your girlfriend is out buying you underwear. Also avoid any leading questions like “Does this make me look fat?” that may stir the beast lurking inside your girlfriend.

Rule no4: Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings

If you’re one of those terrible guys who doesn’t do any of the chores around the house expecting your girl to be your maid (cheers to you), try and do things that will put her at ease and feel looked after, like cook or clean. If you’re chilling there’s more room to yell at you for something normal like making a crunching noise when eating your Big Corn Bites.

If you do these 4 things you should be able to survive the fluctuations of serotonin, premenstrual depression, fatigue and sheer madness of PMS. If all else fails, just try think how you’d feel if you bled from your penis for a week.

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Im a guy with a very particular view of life... im not quite sure what that view is just yet, but when I find out I'll be sure to let you know...


  1. You forgot one:
    5) Never EVER ask your girlfriend “Are you sure you want to eat that” when she has her period. Yes, she DOES want to eat that chocolate. Or the whole Supersize MacDonalds meal. She is probably craving it more than you can imagine. Don’t question. Just smile and nod. It’s just safer that way.

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