Summertime in Cape Town is a majestic thing, this could be the new, low cost Monte Carlo. Just as much as it is beautiful, the Mother City during summer can be filled with her own share of peril as well and it is for this reason that MyCityByNight is giving you our own Guide to Surviving Summer in Cape Town.
Cape Town is one of the most picturesque and diverse cities on the planet- anyone that has ever breathed in the fresh Table Mountain air will know exactly what I am talking about. There are beaches, wine farms, a mountain, car guards and… Manenberg. Plenty of places to visit , plenty of things to do and plenty of ways to die.
Shall we start with the heart of Cape Town- the CBD or “Town”, as everyone who stays here calls it? Town is a general term used to refer to the areas that surround the actual CBD, areas that each have their own unique offerings. Although Cape Town city centre is no where near as dangerous as Jozi, if you do need to venture out into the heart of the Central Business District at night be aware that you may be accosted by a car guard while leaving the club. They’ll say thank you before you’ve even done anything other than walk in the direction of a bunch of parked cars. More painful than sunburn on your penis, these defenders of capitalism are everywhere in town at night. Be careful and protect your change.
Next up… The hood. If you’ve grown up in the hood you probably don’t need to be told a great deal about surviving Summer given the fact that you are still alive enough to be reading this. However, if you haven’t grown up in the land of gatsbys and bunny licks and have to visit one of Cape Town’s many “hoods” this Summer (like say, to visit your Coloured mooiness- we’re all about mixed race couples here) there are a few things you need to remember. When someone comes up to you and says “aweh” – it’s not because they want you to be mindful or AWARE of anything- they’re just saying hi- and testing you to see if you’re from around there. If you respond by saying “Hi, Hello or Good Morning”– you will more than likely be robbed of your board shorts or shot. To say safe- just simply say Aweh back and nod your head in acknowledgement- even if you are light-skinned this should be enough to convince them that you deserve to keep your watch.
Seapoint. Ah yes. Good old Seapoint, home of all of the old people in Cape Town (if you don’t count Pinelands). The average of this particular part of the Mother City is around 105, they’re all angry at life and a fairly large portion of the women who live there sound just like Fran Drescher- if you know what I mean. If you must go and get a bagel or pay your tv license there then make sure that you’re ready to eat your fair share of humble pie as everyone there tells you how good it was in the old days before taxis and cell phones, while they proceed to push infront of you in the queue (because they’re old or whatever).
If you are down in Cape Town over Summer, it’s a good idea to go and check out Table Mountain. While you are there, try to avoid all the students smoking marijuana (or join them) as you make your way up to the Cable Car landing parking lot- the secondary smoke could make your eyes burn. Once you’ve taken the Cable Car/hiked to the top, stay clear from the edge if it is a windy day. As straight forward as this sounds- much like a room full of relapsing alcoholics, people fall down there all the time- and unfortunately not a great deal of them survive.
How could I ever call this a guide to Surviving Summer in Cape Town without dealing with the beach? First off, wherever it is that you decide to soak up the rays, make sure that you slap on copious amounts of sunscreen, the South African sun is for real, looking like a lobster is only cool if you are an actual crustacean… on my plate. It is essential that when you do venture to the picturesque city beaches that you take along your entire savings drawn out in hundreds. Should you need to quench your thirst to avoid dying in the sun amongst the amazingly pert asses, this will cost you your arm, leg and a piece of your torso as you shell out R30 for a cold, locally produced and bottled Still Water.
Armed with that, you should all be ok to Survive Summer in the most beautiful city on earth and live to tell all your friends how great it was- without tourists, none of us would have jobs or anyone to make fun of.