At the start of every year, I go through a process that many of you will find rather familiar- that of making a series of resolutions in the hope that I will be a better me in the year to come. Take this year for example- I’ve been to the gym a few times (3 to be exact), decided to only drink waistline-slimming whiskey when out (unless at an event sponsored by a beer/brandy/cognac/vodka brand) and to give up using the Devil’s Lettuce as a side salad (although that lasted all of ten minutes into the new year).
The human race is fixated on bettering ourselves, which is probably the reason why we’ve come as far as creating robots that can bring you a can of beer. However, more often than not, the resolutions that we make come January every year are nothing more than grandiose plans that leave you feeling all shit about what you
haven’t have accomplished. If you took all of the World’s New Year’s Resolutions (abbreviated as NYRs) and put them all into one big cloud (you see I do read Wired.com), you’d probably notice that they can all be grouped into two main categories. Almost all resolutions are either about making health changes or improving your experience of life.
Better health NYRs can involve things like getting fit, losing weight or even something crazy like running an ultra marathon or doing the Duzi canoe race. I hate to admit it but as I get closer to 30, I can sense my metabolism slowing down, literally feel the fat settling on my belly with every single bite of KFC that I take. You’ve all heard people say:
I care so much about my abs that I wrap them in a protective layer of fat
But if we’re all being candid we have to admit that this is only good for a momentary laugh- deep down everyone is thinking- yeah stop with the damn mash and gravy already Fatty McFatso. It’s really not kiff.
The second portion of NYRs deals with general lifestyle improvements. These are things that you believe will make your life a more pleasurable experience if carried out. Typically consisting of things like seeing your family more, not stressing as much about work or even finding a job where you don’t feel the need to slash your boss’ tires every time you walk out of the building after a long day of them taking the credit for your awesomeness.
The massive issue that I have with NYRs is that when you fail at upholding one of them you’re more likely to do so in spectacular fashion. Say you decide to stop drinking as your NYR- Along comes your friend’s wedding, you being in a jolly and celebratory mood decide to have one glass of champers. One glass turns into two, which then turns into a bottle ending up with you passed out in the fountain with your penis stuck in the wedding cake. It happens, trust me.
If you really feel the need to make a resolution, whether it is at the start of the year or beginning of the day- make it something achievable, like not throwing up from drinking too much (although, given the late night antics of MCBN, even this might be one notch too far for us- Especially Kreg, who is famous for taking a knee to chunder out brightly coloured rainbows of joy much like a Carebear).
Bitesize is better everywhere except for the bedroom- so start small and then metaphorical high 5 yourself when you reach your mini-goal because lets be honest, you’re just going to be clapping aimlessly in the streets if you actually try to high five yourself.
Ricky Bynight out…