Interview | Schalk Bezuidenhout

Schalk Bez

As it stands, on this day, our favourite local comedian is Schalk Bezuidenhoudt. Normally we write fancy intros and tell you about our interviewees, but then a poor Afrikaans student would be committed, so we shall allow him to incriminate himself.

MCBN: Hello Schalk. I mean, with you fast approaching genuinely iconic almost deity like status in both acting and comedy, where does your name come from? We all know Vin Diesel is Mark Sinclair, Sting is Gordon Sumner, so where did you get the inspiration for the now revered “Schalk Bezuidenhout”?

Schalk: My name is actually John Smith, and I’m actually Xhosa. But John Smith is such a boring name and there are already so many Xhosa comedians, so I transformed into the Schalk Bezuidenhout you now know and love (or just like or feel completely neutral about or hate). My dad, a very traditional Xhosa man, is still struggling to accept this transformation, but I have told him that it is the best thing to do for my career.

P.S. I actually didn’t know that Vin Diesel is Mark Sinclair. I thought they were identical twins. What else is a lie? Seriously, fuck you Stroobz.

MCBN: Have you ever been in a fight? How did it go?

Schalk: It’s tough to fight when you’re 6 years old. Your coordination skills haven’t fully developed yet and your limbs are week. So I obviously won that fight. This was last year.

MCBN: If you had to put a moustache on any part of a woman’s body, where would it be?

Schalk: I would put it above her eyes. That way, people would laugh and think that she had a mono-brow, but upon closer investigation they would discover that in actual fact she is sporting a luxurious moustache. A bystander witnessing this would then see how mean mockery suddenly turns into a bow of respect.

MCBN: *The owners of this website removed a question here that poignantly got to the heart of an existential debate on the origin of human existence, using cat faeces as a riding metaphor.* So Schalk, we hear you do acting. Hows that going for you?

Schalk: Well, I am currently doing my Honors in acting at UCT and I’m getting good marks, so good. But I’m not getting paid for any of it, so kak. So to answer your question: acting is going medium.

MCBN: I first saw you in a show called Laughing Wild. The character of the “Infant of Prague” was one of the best portrayals I’ve seen on the live stage. Of all the characters personified, which one have you enjoyed the most?

Schalk: I am currently performing in an Afrikaans play at UCT called ‘Begeerte’, in which I play a 76 year old farmer. I really like this role, because sometimes I get very nervous on stage and I soil myself. Now when that happens, I’m just in character.

MCBN: You look a little bit like an 1980s Afrikaner Andre Agassi, but your style is unique, and in a brilliant way; beautiful. How would you describe the fashion of street Schalk? And do we vary with evening wear?

Schalk: Hahaha! Funny story… when I was 9, Andre Agassi was my hero and I asked my dad to shave my head so I could look like him. I looked like one of those ‘Reach for a Dream’ children… it was horrible. I wore a hat for months.

I would describe my style as hospice chic. All of my clothes, yes including socks and underwear, are second hand. This is something that is very close to my heart. If I don’t buy all those Christmas sweaters, Santa will be sad and not bring me presents next year. DON’T TELL ME SANTA IS FAKE AS WELL, STROOBZ. I like that the spirits of those old people, now dead, live on through me wearing their clothes. I mean their spirits in a figurative sense, as well as literally because a lot of it actually smells like brandy. (See what I did there? I cleverly constructed a little joke by using two different meanings of the word ‘spirits’). I wear my ‘fashion of street Schalk’ when I do comedy, so I guess that is my evening wear.

MCBN: Where is the best place to buy knitwear in Cape Town? If we had the taste for some quirky jumpers and cardigans?

Schalk: I’m glad you asked me that, Stroobz. May I once again emphasize the importance of second hand merchandise to me. Buying knitwear in Cape Town, or anywhere for that matter, is like hunting for easter eggs: you don’t know where they might be hidden and after hours of searching you discover that there actually are no easter eggs because your parents didn’t care enough to go through the trouble of buying some and hiding them in the garden and they don’t love you. Whoa, sorry. Flashback. I don’t feel comfortable answering this question.

MCBN: In your opinion what was going through the mind of the first person to ever milk a cow?

Schalk: There once was a man that had a very anxious cow. He thought: “I really want to make my cow feel less anxious by relieving him, but which penis do I pull? There are 4 of them! I’ll just pull all of them, I guess.” He proceeded to do so and white liquid came out. He took the white liquid home and poured some into his coffee, which tasted delicious. His wife arrived home and tasted his coffee. She said: “What did you add to this coffee to make it taste so good?” The man knew that, if he told his wife the truth, she would freak out. The man then said: “Uhm… It’s this new thing I managed to get from our cow. It’s called… uhm… milk.” His wife asked: “What part of the cow did it come from?” The man couldn’t lie anymore. “I can’t lie anymore! Here’s the truth. It came from the cow’s 4 penises and I slept with the neighbor.” His wife said: “No silly! That part of the cow is called the ‘udder’. But I am very upset about the neighbor, though.” The man and his wife sadly got divorced, but at least the mystery was solved. Today, milk is the best thing to have come from Bloemfonfokkenteinvanwykvandermerweterblanche, now known as Bloemfontein.

MCBN: You have received an incredible accolade in being asked to open for Trevor Noah on his upcoming national tour. What joke do you think you told to get the attention of our biggest comedy export?

Schalk: Trevor saw me at the Cape Town Funny Festival last year and then asked me to join in a few shows of his NationWILD tour, which consisted of him and a bunch of up and coming comedians. I don’t think I told a specific joke. Trevor does a great job of giving up and coming comics a platform to get seen and give their careers a boost in a sense. I’m very blessed and grateful for this opportunity (I had to answer at least one of these questions seriously).

MCBN: If all of a sudden started you dating a bigtime Hollywood celeb, but then died in unfortunate water skiing accident, who would play the two of you in the biographical mega pic?

Schalk: I hate water skiing so this scenario is unlikely to begin with. I am also already dating a celeb, Louise Park-Ross. She is huge in her block of flats. Like literally everyone there knows her (she’s the maintenance worker). But IF I suddenly dated a Hollywood celeb it would be Mary-Kate AND Ashley Olsen. I put the ‘and’ in capitals to emphasize that I would be dating both of them and not just one. That would just be stupid. IF we then all died in an unfortunate water skiing accident, Sacha Baron Cohen would play me, but as Borat. Then finally people would ask hím, “Has anyone ever told you you look like Schalk Bezuidenhout?” HOW DOES THAT FEEL BORAT/SACHA BARON COHEN?! DOESN’T FEEL VERY NICE, DOES IT?! Mary-Kate and Ashley would be played by Vin Diesel and Mark Sinclair. Oh no wait, I forgot that they’re not identical twins… Once again, fuck you Stroobz. Seriously.

MCBN: So we’re required to talk about Savanna Cider, its new bottle, maybe it’s refreshing apple taste quenching the thirst after a hardy day’s labour. But they have been the lynchpin in supporting upcoming artists in the stand-up scene, for which we are all truly grateful. Maybe you can say some kind words so we sell ad space to that gorgeous little babe who totally has the body for swimwear in their marketing department, as well as give us a heads up as to some of the best up and coming talents are in your eyes.

Schalk: Well to start with, all the Newcomer winners of all the previous Savanna Comics Choice Awards will be performing: Deep Fried Man (2011), Dillon Oliphant (2012), myself (2013), and Loyiso Madinga (2014). I think in a way all of us are actually still up and coming in comparison to the big guys like Trevor Noah, Marc Lottering, etc. But I’m really excited to see what this year’s Newcomer showcase will bring to the table. The standard is higher every year, which is good because it makes guys like us work harder.

MCBN: Now for our famous “Would you rather finale coup-de-gras”. Would you rather have one central nipple that appears in the middle of your chest and is larger than average. Or 4 normal nipples, lined parallel in twos on either side?

Schalk: 4 normal nipples, lined parallel in twos on either side. I know my cow story from earlier will be made into a cinema nouveau film, and I’d like to play the cow.

Schalk we cant thank you enough for your time, your incredible answers, and quite frankly, your moustache, which inspires me every day to be a better man, follow my dreams, and lead unsuspecting children into the woods.

Follow @schalkiebez on Twitter for updates on his career and insights into his mind brain.
Follow @stroobz on Twitter, but then prepare not to eat for a week.

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