I know what you did last summer… Ricky’s guide to surviving the festive season


The Summer season is fast approaching full swing down here in South Africa and I figured that I give you a guide of what I consider to be essential to surviving a summer underneath the Southern Sun!

First off let me get to the most important bit- sunblock. Not only is it important as part of protecting yourself from the harsh African sun but it also doubles as lube that doesnt burn your willy like Deep Heat does. Oh and if you ever want to get laid again do not apply sunscreen in stripes like Allan Donald or on the tip of your nose even if you are British- it just looks silly.

Choose a good fragrance. Try something with lighter notes to it and dont be cheap and go for Axe or Yardley. Go for some nice smellies and mix it up with a neutral under arm roll on like Sanex which is gentle on the skin. Smell is one of those senses that conjours up emotions of all sorts. If you smell like fart people arent going to want to talk to you for very long.

Make sure that you hydrate and by that I dont mean you should booze copious amounts of Mojitos filled with crushed ice. The best way to moisturise is from the inside (stop it. I know what you are thinking). When you wake up in the morning just have a glass of water or 2 if you can- your body needs it after dossing anyways. If you must- you can walk around with a bottled water- just remember though- there is no cure for douchebaggery.

This one is aimed more at the guys out there (because we all know that girls dont sweat and instead- glisten). It tends to get cooking hot down here in the South and if you are prone to a bit of back sweat or pitting make sure that you choose to wear colours where this is not apparent. Stick to white or black tees/shirts on those really hot days. Even though its the body’s natural way of keeping your core temperature regulated people generally frown upon patchies and will be less likely to want to fornicate with you like love drunk gypsies.

Get a haircut. Not only will you feel cooler with less hair on your head and in your face while looking sharp, you will also give off the impression that you take pride in your appearance and probably wont leave your clothes lying around the house, piss on the toilet seat or wear granny panties all year round (even if you do actually do all of these things).

Speaking of undergarments do make sure that you wear something sexy or that you wear boy panties- otherwise known as boxer briefs (if you’re a guy). You never know when you are going to get lucky- its very difficult to recover form a hole in your broekies right over your arsehole.

Then finally if you do manage to get some ass, make sure that you use a condom. Aside from the obvious risk of pregnancy (assuming you hump girls) you also run a huge risk of contracting HIV and a bunch of other lovely std’s that your Friday Flame has most courteously brought along with them.

There you have it, follow my guide to surviving Summer & you’ll have one to remember- I promise. Oh and maybe keep reading MyCityByNight (that never hurts the awesome either).

Im a guy with a very particular view of life... im not quite sure what that view is just yet, but when I find out I'll be sure to let you know...

Comments 7

  1. dont forget to brush regulary, help old people across the road (its good for your karma) and if you gotta fart, do it in a crowd, and walk away nonchalontley.

    oh yes, learn how to control the focus on your beer goggles 😀

    1. Ahhh… jb – “learn to control the focus on your beer goggles” I been working on that for years, slowly getting it right – I think?!

      1. hahahahaha I dont think any of us will ever get it down to a fine art, but the main thing is never to let your guard down!

    2. its an age old battle to keep the beer goggles under control… Kreg has yelled “why’s Ricky hooking up with a fat chick??!” at least 8 times before. Fail.

  2. When beer googles are on, just think this, if she’s pretty hot right now she’s below average, if she’s super hot she’s average, and if she’s Megan Fox she’s hot 😉 just think like that and your sorted otherwise your gonna end up hooking a whale, if she looks like a whale, talks like a whale and waddles, then your on the wrong road and properly screwed cause she’s gonna follow you around the whole night, whales tend to attach themselves to a mate at an early stage and migrate with them. So be careful kids

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