I finally watched Twilight. Vampires, Wolves, Sparkles. OMG


I consider myself to be a relatively straight guy, who likes to watch shoot em up movies, drink beer and have sex with women… Maybe it was that last part that got me into this dilemma in the first place.

Over the weekend, the weather took a turn for the worse in Cape Town and I decided to spend my Sunday afternoon chillaxing on the couch under blankies watching some dvds. Being the wonderful boyfriend that I am, I decided to let my #mooiness have the choice of 2 out of the 3 movies for the day (in the hope that this would give me a raunchy sex credit to redeem further down the line).

Unfortunately, my underhanded generosity backfired and I was duped into watching a double bill of Twilight (Twilight & New Moon). How bad could it be?? I figured that I would man up and give it a go- I mean how could I make fun of the movies if I had never experienced them myself?

Twilight started off with Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart- I am still unsure if I think she’s hot) reluctantly moving to the perpetually overcast town of Forks, WA, with her Dad. It was the typical “I am from a broken family and I like to chill out with the nerdy kids and avoid all attention at High School” story that we’ve all become used to in these type of movies. It’s not long before Bella meets up with Edward Cullen, resident Vampire (Robert Pattinson) in Biology class. As she walks in, she spots the pasty looking High Schooler (who is clearly centuries too old to be a High School Senior) and is instantly taken aback by his apparent hotness. Edward on the other hand, doesn’t react as favourably, as he almosts hurls his lunch after getting a wiff of Bella, and her presumably yummy bloody aroma. You see, Edward is not your normal vampire- he’s been on a special needs diet that involves him drinking animal blood only- making him a sort of vegan of the undead. This makes sitting next to the tasty Bella and refraining from biting her face quite a task, causing him to walk out of class after she sits down next to him. #awkward. Being treated like trash makes Bella want him even more- leading me to question how we view the whole dating game (a post for another time).

I kind of had an idea that the movie was about Vampires and Wolves and stuff so I naturally inquired how it was possible that he was out during the day time in the first place. I was reminded by my #mooiness that Forks was always overcast and misty making it possible for him and his family to show themselves during the day without fear of exploding into flames. Wow. These writers hey- they make excuses for everything.

Edward overcomes his initial lust for her blood and proceeds to get his mack on and eventually introduces Bella to his vampire family, who truth be told all make for entertaining viewing as they also try to not eat her every time she falls on her face cutting herself exposing her lovely smelling human blood. Up until this point I was ok with the movie, I mean he was a vampire- who was filled with angst and had a long standing beef with the half wolf American Indians who also lived in the town. Eventually the story takes a turn for the kak when Edward reveals the real reason why he can’t go into the sun while they’re fooling around in the enchanted forest. Stepping into the sun, he takes off his top and… wait for it… begins to SPARKLE in the sun. Not just a light sparkle, this is a full on- I just poured a bucket of glitter on me- kind of sparkle.

Aaah… nice plot twist there. Not. The movie instantly became utterly ridiculous and unwatchable as a straight guy. Sparkling vampires?? I mean come on, they chow people for goodness sake.

I watched the 2nd movie and could confirm that it had slightly more action in it, but also saw Bella become unbelievably needy and irritating. So irritating that only a dead guy could love her.

Apparently the whole saga is about the love-story and not action or intrigue (things I would consider to be key in most movies) but I still struggled to see the value in making a bad ass vegan vampire sparkle like a Barbie glitter-princess. I so wished that Jacob and his wolf brasse would chow the vampires just for being girly.

It’s definitely a movie for girls. Guys… don’t watch it- unless you are going to be rewarded with a get out of jail free card or sex, equivalent to that had on your birthday. I mean it wasn’t totally unbearable, I just really think you’d have a better time massaging your face with a cactus.

I give it a 1 of 5 on the MyCityByNight scale of befokedness.

Im a guy with a very particular view of life... im not quite sure what that view is just yet, but when I find out I'll be sure to let you know...

Comments 10

  1. had an ex of mine that tried to get me to watch this with her. she didnt take it very kindly when I laughed in her face. and she tried a few times at that. now shes not my girlfriend anymore, but I imagine for other reasons than twilight. and if it was because of my opinion of twilight, then I’m well shot of her. she was a good shag though..

  2. Even as an avid fan of the twilight sage,I enjoyed that almost just as much as the movies!:)

  3. Spot on review! I hated that movie, and I am a girl! It’s ridiculous and I dont’ know how it received any awards at all..

    1. Thanx so much Stef! Will try to get around to some more of the movies that we fear as guys…

  4. I must say, I was very hesitant to even read this post but when I did the other day… I had quite the lag. Nice one Ricky.

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