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So, the nights gone well. What started out as innocent office drinks with some colleagues turned into a tequila fuelled frenzy of drunken strippers, public nudity and a dead guy in a clown suit. Its about 3am and your memory of the past few hours is anything but crystal clear. All of a sudden your inebriated state of mind turns lucid and you find yourself double thrusting a blonde woman from a new age missionary position. Score! What’s h

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er name? Worry about that later. You feel unstoppable, like you just wrestled a jungle panther and came up out on top, now this is the reward. You try to high five yourself, but this was one of those things that seemed cooler in your mind. The sweat is dripping down both of your faces and the passion is reaching a precipice. All of a sudden alarm bells ring, time for you happy face. Then panic ensues. Where do I sprinkle the love flour? What cake do I ice? Which prawn do I batter? Don’t waste this precious moment in time, where all resistance crumbles and the man seed spews forth to fertilize anything it touches. But a forehead? Where’s the best love target? And what bull’s-eye do you hope to hit most?

So the first thing you have to consider is protection. Does your penis look like a Ku Klux Klan member or a bald guy choking on a lozenge? If he is a hooded knight then you should never have even started reading this thread. But if he is a shiny unclothed ninja then prepare for some heavy artillery assault. Naturally your first option is the mouth. Evaluate whether your anonymous lover has a rabbit tunnel or a bat cave and then whether she’d knock you in the teeth for trying or attempt to kiss you post-jizz. It’s the choice of porn stars, filthy whores and Dame Judie Dench.

The second option is straight up conventional impregnation. Forget STD’s and child birth, keep drilling ‘til you cant drill no more. This tends to cause despondency in women, especially when you call them Michelle, and her names Belinda. Its normally polite to ask, especially if you’re ungloved. A nice trick if shes not into it, is to do it anyway and then drop a line like “I have to be up really early” or “I actually have a girlfriend” or my personal favorite “Do you mind if I watch some tele while we do this?”. Famous employers of the traditional cum-shot are Romeo, Don Juan de Marco and Catholic school girls.

Personally I’m a huge fan of spadging on the tits. I like to do it and then admire my masterpiece, like two snow capped mountain peaks on the horizon. This is normally an amicable arrangement between the two of you anyway. Its easy cleaning, disease and baby free and allows you to get a bit arty. Sometimes a bit of creativity can go a long way. I once jizzed the Mona Lisa on a girl’s chest… true story. This pornographic William Kentridge way of blowing your load is favored by Leonardo DaVinci, Rembrandt and any unconscious woman of my pleasing.

Now we start getting a bit freaky. I’ve always had a fantasy about letting loose in a chick’s underarm. I don’t know why. Maybe because if you turn it on its side it would look like an éclair, and I do love éclairs. The problem arises when you go for the “creamy pit” and it turns out she hasn’t shaven in a month. Then it looks like a swampy marsh after a sleet storm. Be very wary if a girl asks you to man juice the underside of her shoulder, this is tantamount to some crazy bitch! Renowned armpit squidgers are Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love and Elton John.

Then theres dark the dark side of sperm frivolity; between the toes. It has that strange sensation similar to stepping on a snail. Women who like webbed feet are often the quiet types. Over achievers with autism and obsessive compulsive disorders. If a girl asks for one of these and you’ve had a heavy night, look around you. Are there whips, chains and a burning effigy  of Ross from Friends on the wall? Does it smell of eucalyptus and rat feces? Then get out as fast as you can, this isn’t going to end well for you. Famous closet toe jammers include Anne Robinson from the Weakest Link, Queen Elizabeth the 2nd and the girl from The Ring.

So remember, next time you’re knee deep in a hot piece of ass. Look at yourself in the mirror, psyche yourself up and know that you have a variety of targets. Lock and load, clock your pistol, ready, aim, fire! 


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One Comment

  1. Stroob another masterpeice. U have talent (and not just the jizzing under her arm ??????? kind)…

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