Women have been the purveyors of accomplishment throughout history; Marie Curie shaped modern science, Amelia Earhart circumnavigated the globe and Christina Aguilera showed that an all doughnut diet will not stop Jewish men from loving you. So with all these pillars of achievement singing glorious praise to the X chromosome, how, in 2012, can we still allow high waisted pants to be at the forefront of women’s fashion? Did so many of them get trashy tramp stamps in the 90’s that the only respite from condescending labels is a jean-pant above the navel? Obelix is smiling in his grave. They are about as sexy as snot mucus, and as flattering as pierced love handles, but are arguably the crowning achievement of contemporary haute-couture. You might argue that I am a male, the crown prince of misogyny, but ladies, for your own sake, can we not banish these vestures to the doldrums of fashion failures; along with toe rings, visible g-strings and “Take me to your dealer” alien t-shirts?
It was with little surprise, that through some thorough investigative research, we discovered that the origins of these hip-covering faux pas was indeed entrenched in Nazi Germany. Initially Hitler’s troops were using them on French women to spite French men, but this cruel and unusual punishment created too much unsightly camel toe for even the toughest Fascist guards to bear. They then disappeared into the fashion wasteland, only to resurface in 1996, in Palestine. It was a brave imam in a conservative muslim town that decried these abominations more desexualising than the common burkha and as a result kept men from having ungodly urges. That dude was not fucking around.
Now, from previous experience, I can just imagine some burly feminist stopping her bench presses to castigate me for my irreverent sexism. “We don’t wear high waisted pants for men, you dick”, and you know what? Thats ok. I can assure you I’m not wearing my studded jock strap for the glee of your womanly Adam’s apple either. But I implore upon you to have some pride and self esteem. Even if they are “high-fashion”, 97% of girls cannot execute the look with distinction. Would you put a toddler in a latex gimp suit? No, because it wouldn’t befit his body structure and would probably itch. Like wise these hideous pieces of apparel only serve to highlight unwanted faults of the body form. That “orange peel effect” the “muffin top” and other similes of a continental breakfast are all made strikingly apparent in the hope of appealing to the whimsy of Elle’s fashion editor. Everything was not made for everyone, and this is the most valid case in point.
Of all the wondrous adornments that could accompany the female form, the fashion fraternity has clung to something less appealing than a hessian sack tied with staples. There is such amazing potential for elaborate design and clinical thought, yet we are flung back into the dark ages, where our women’s’ bodies are made disfigured by fashion. Imagine it took off among men? Oh wait, we tried that with Erkel, and he was just swimming in flange. Ya. So ladies, for the good of yourselves, and from a selfish personal aspect I guess, please, next time you venture into your cupboard, think twice. Don’t let the Nazis win.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he runs from feminists twice his size, and launches a Viagra startup company in Iran