Fat Policemen and the eternal quest for the doughnut

As a youthful whipper snapper I had the privilege of donning my red white and blue and touring the US of A for a year. I made headway through over 30 states before the fried chicken had as much affect on my exuberance for trailer parks as it did on my cellulite content. One thing that has never been the most hidden of truths is that those bastards are fat.

One day while passing through a MacDonalds Drive Thru, that was, in fact, attached as an attraction to a large chain pharmacy (true story), we were struck by the national treasure of American culinary delight: 19 cents burger Tuesdays. The fine print was the coup-de-gras in our search for the taste of capitalism; it stated that there was a limit of 10 per person. During our stay in a small Washington State town, just north of Seattle, we saw an esteemed officer of the law arguing tooth and nail at a pimply faced cashier as he had a rejected an application for 12 of these MacBeautys. This 300 pound buzz cut was about to tazer this poor boy long enough to light up Vegas when he eventually gave in and served the man. This triumph of fat badge wielding protectors of the nation over  the little guy existed purely because of its location and threat of impending hunger.

In reality overweight police officers are becoming a crime unto themselves and putting us as ordinary citizens in harm’s way. Our safety comes secondary to doughnut shops and all you can eat pap en vleis jols. I’m not expecting rippled super-models from Hilary Clinton’s rape fantasy, but I’d like to know that if they were chasing a criminal they would at least be able do a 100m dash without sweating blood.

Our current deputy police minister, Fikile Mabalula, who looks like he could commit minor genocide if he was entered into a midget eating competition, has hypocritically called on real policemen and women to  trim off the pounds in an ongoing attempt to change the effectiveness of the “force” (which is a term needed to be used very loosely). If they cant compete on a physical level with a worthy advisory, then they’re in for a treat, because through my experiences it would be tough for the majority of them to compete on a mental one either. However futile the initiative may appear it must be noted that it’s a positive step. The sight of a obese policewomen mouthing down a drumstick is ruining my stripper fantasies that use lines like “You’ve been a bad boy” or “Cuff him and put him against the wall” or my personal favorite “Have you boys ever seen anyone do this with a nightstick?”

My favorite part of this dietary ordeal is the response from a Benoni policeman when questioned about the impending legislation: “What do they expect us to eat? Green leaves and fruit?”. Not necessarily, I hear theres a new low-fat vetkoek about to hit the market. Yes you dumb fuckin idiot! Have some pride in yourself and your work and maybe one day you could make it to the hawks, or be Steve Hofmeyer. Yet even under the shrewd cloud of blinding logic they are still as belligerent as their American cousin we discussed earlier and yet again we, as the public, are the ones caught in the middle of a scrap between the unionized workers and government.

But fingers crossed the pigs learn that “pushup” is not a dirty word and that carrots are more than just tools to beat your wives. Lets hope that they take a stand and actually see how obesity is not as beautiful as Jacob Zuma makes it out to be. Lets hope that they see that sumo wrestling only works if youre an Asian in a thong. But most of all lets hope, pray and keep an eternal burning effigy of General Bheki Cele alight, in the chance that through thinner, stronger, fitter cops our over bearing crime statistics will be eaten faster than a polony Gatsby at a traffic warden meet-n-greet. Fuckin traffic wardens!


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  1. them 19 cent burgers were sought out on my birthday as "a special treat" in a moment of desperation.well done sibling, love it:)xx

  2. We really dont have the fittest bunch of 5-0 around, both physical and mental… we need more cops like mike lowry and marcus bernet from Badboys- I wouldnt be bleak if they blew some shit up and dropped a few wisecracks while arresting some perps at all!

    Ps. I was shocked the first I ever visited the US and saw cops eating Dunkin Donuts in their hundreds… I really thought it was just an over-generalisation. its not.

  3. To be honest, I always wanted to be a Yank-style cop, but just for one day.

    Fat moustache, banter in the showers, chowing doughtnuts all day, pulling over random people for a spot inspection and puffing ciggies non-stop, holding them between your thumb and index finger and blowing rings. Sounds like such a vibe.

    I was almost signed up to be Reservist once, but I collected the forms from the station the day before the Xenophobic attacks happened in 2008. When they called in the reservists into the riot squad, I tossed the forms into the bin. Because facing rioting locals is NOT ayoba!

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