D is for Dildo, V is for… (NSFW… Kinda…)


In the early 1800’s the church was an all powerful autocrat that wielded the lightning bolts and furious anger of God’s right hand. Their word was literally gospel and all laws, scientific findings and wisdoms of truth could only be bequeathed from their lips. And so, in a very basic sense, if you and a consenting adult of the opposite sex wanted to “butter the muffin”, you were clothed, with a tiny genital opening in your robes, you were married, and you certainly weren’t using a butt-plug. But oh how times have changed. As the years moved on and the internet slowly started to introduce the fabulous world of online porn and Asians urinating on each other, personal sexual adventure slowly started to look more like Bear Grylls in an underground cavern of vagina. Bedroom exploration had been advanced by the World Wide Web, showing us that no matter how perverted you thought you were, there is always a Korean way filthier. Global conservatism has slowly diminished and we have seen a rise in publicly accepted sexual displays. And while it may not yet be Ed, Edd and Eddy in a gangbang; the days of awkwardly clothed marital coitus are a thing of yester year. Enter the sexy toy. While Im sure the ancient Romans were covering Zucchinis in yoghurt, the contemporary equivalent is a variety of dildos, blow up dolls, leather whips and enough flavoured lube to start up your own ice-cream parlour.  And while Im not entirely convinced on using any of the aforementioned apparatus, the availability seems like Reggies on a Viagra double drop.

But how do you choose? As a first timer in the world of sex toys, how do I know what “tickles my fancy”? My first recommendation is to try some standard westernised paraphernalia. The Asian stuff will have you smelling of cat saliva for a week, while the “German engineering” will force you to permanently walk with a limp. Play it safe, make sure its small; You wouldn’t lose your virginity to a 10 inch Lenny Kravitz with enough dick jewellery to change true north on a compass, so a studded dildo the size of your forearm probably isn’t a great first choice. I suggest trying the Silicone Bandito, while it might seem like Antonio Banderas’s cock made of wax and then set alight, it is apparently scientifically proven to hit the G-Spot like a fucking asteroid. I wouldn’t know.

For the slightly more adventurous, and the relatively experienced, may I propose the Rock Chick? It can not only fulfil your double penetration needs, but can also serve as a desk clamp if you decide to get into carpentry of some kind. Make sure to declare it before you walk through customs however, because if found it will look like youre in possession of the gayest knuckle duster ever invented. Its use is self explanatory, but I wouldn’t Google search it at work.

Ever been stuck in traffic and just really needed to stick a vibrating ear-wig up your fanny? Well then the Travel Rabbit is just for you. Its amazing when people feel the urge to get off. In fact, its downright frightening. If you thought the M3 was one of the most sexually arousing roads in Cape Town, try using this little love wand around Hospital Bend.

There is a myth amongst men with regards to the legendary Pocket Pussy. Its basically just gelatine inside a Pringles can that is used to simulate an actual vajay-jay: for when your right hand just wont cut it.  Yet now they have launched the R2D2 of Vaginas: The Real Touch. Its like virtual reality for your wang and is scientifically engineered to perfectly imitate a woman’s special place. Its what Will Smith was using during the deleted scenes in I-Robot.

The S&M world is the kinky underbelly of sexual deviance. And what better way to blow a wad than with a comfy purple body bag? If you stand up straight you will actually look like a 6 foot dildo, yet the Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack is meant as a submissive rather than an assertive pleasuremobile. I would ask your partner about incorporating it into your bedroom antics though. If she makes her way from the bathroom to get jiggy and youre lying on the bed looking like Tutankhamen at a disco; the potential for wasted wood is high.

Luckily there is no longer a need to sever a woman’s mid section in order to take a nap: Thank you Japan! Hizamakura’s Lap Pillow is a creepy form of company for the weary (and indeed very lonely) traveller. Im not sure why you would like to fall asleep on what appears to be a 14-year-old’s thigh, but these okes seem to be taking a serious kip. Sometimes sex toys are not only about arousal but about comfort too. They also bake waffles. Not really.

So there are a multitude of twisted sexual accompaniments for either you as a couple, or a solo mission. Theres even weirder stuff that I could cover: A blood pack in order to re-insert a fake hymen, a 1500 dollar gold vibrator, and even patented Hello Kitty dildos. I don’t know if I can take the plunge in any of these garnishes just yet, but the world is slowly becoming dirtier and I don’t want to seem prudish. While it might still be taboo in South Africa, the Asians are slowly taking over and I have no doubt that in the near future we will all be young, horny and covered in Goat Shit.

~Stroob~

*Follow @Stroobz for strictly PG13 ramblings of dildos, fannies and Whitney Houston in a Gimp suite

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