Cape Town Named As The Electronic Dance Capital Of The World

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As the jovial exhilaration of being named World Design Capital 2014 slowly begins to simmer, and the wrists of the Mother City’s designer coup de gras start to tire from their perpetual circle jerk, the Hipsters, Hippies and Hip-Hoppers have returned to rejoice as Cape Town has been named World Electronic Music Capital for 2015. Thor Rixon’s beard accepted the award on behalf of the city recently, and thanked Das Kapital’s lip ring, the Sub Woofer in the back of Kyle Watson’s Corsa Lite and Hindu god, Vishnu for inspiring him to play that sweet little sitar melody in that one track no one can pronounce the name of.

The auspicious award was granted on the basis of Cape Town’s immaculate and ever burgeoning electronic music business that has seen both producers and punters alike revel in this now fully-fledged commercial industry. Faizel De Klerk, who runs a falafel stand outside local establishment Bullion Bar, welcomed the accolade saying “I couldn’t sell a single schwarma past 1:30am, now, thanks to techno, I’m making kebabs until sunrise and these ravers can chew anything”.

The work ethic among industry big wigs has been tantamount to the city’s success. While there has not been one Roman Catholic wild cat to exit the Christian Tiger School, and not a single predatory fish with even an automatic weapon, let alone a full blown ray gun, that has been seen near LazerSharkk, the music produced is now finally receiving recognition in the global arena.

But it is not all ketamine and blowjobs for the City’s nouveau celebs, there is hard work and discipline needed in order to impress a Fiction Tuesday crowd hyped up on 10 rand Klipdrift and floral shirts buttoned to the collar. While critics called the evening a “collection of sounds similar to that of a goat being dragged backwards through boiling tar, coupled with a 4:4 beat” the dancers gyrated until curfew. Yet it stands testament to each night in Cape Town featuring a collaboration of some of the biggest nerds the world has to offer, furiously hitting keys on a laptop while providing an illusion of rhythm.

The cornerstone of the award is largely based around the unique individual sound of CT’s producers. The aggressive gangster street rap that PHFat make in an upmarket suburb of Hout Bay, or simply Psy demi-god Deleriant taking unwashed white girls with bindis on a “Spiritual Awkening”. Wherever you head on a global stage, our sound is as quintessentially South African as Tik bulbs or crushing up a black label quart to smoke a sweet white pipe from the neck.

After 3 time champions Amsterdam heard the news they immediately turned off the Hardstyle remix of 1997 mega hit “Tubthumping” and phoned previous Runners Up Miami in protest. Alas, the only respondent was Afrojack’s mother. He was still banned from all phone usage following the infamous “Martin Garrix Gag Ball” incident from Ultra ’14.

So when the clock strikes 6am on Alien Safari’s dancefloor and the crowd raves in celebration of being named the World Electronic Music Capital, look to the sweaty guy stress testing a Stimrol next to you and drop the one line that unites all CT ravers as kin “Yussy china, how’s this tune hey?”


*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as his dubstep remix of a Ri-Ri tune charts in the Ukraine, and he tries to hold a bathroom stall door that doesnt lock closed with his foot so he CAN DO ONE FUCKING LINE OF KAT WITHOUT BEING DISTURBED FUCK.

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  1. Mmmmm, I found this a little too pushed to be funny. Although it did lift the corner of my mouth slightly.

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