Breaking News: Children are just going bonkers for Satan


It is a rather esteemed rarity for me to discuss religion. Partly because you never want to get on the bad side of a fanatical Muslim, and partly because a cult that believes a sexy bearded man could transform water into wine would see me in white robes offering my first born for ritualistic sacrifice. I thrive in ambivalent agnosticism, with neither a yearning for Krishna nor a boner for Buddha. Good start, offended all major religions yet? Shit, forgot the Jews. Actually fuck that, they have some power lawyers. So it was within this unfazed non-comitial frame of mind that I looked angrily upon the recent scourge of religious troglodytes, condemning any act that isn’t uniformly bowing to a cross, praying 5 times a day, or pretending that Pastor Florentine’s and my 8 year old little secret never leaves the confines of the church. Any rebuff of institutionalized religious practise sees our youth labelled heretics, Satanists, witches, or worst of all: hippies. But are our newfound pagan teenagers really frothing for the occult, or are we just coming up with a new excuse for a bit of disconnect from society?

Ironically, true Satanism is actually a rejection of all faith based religion. So the commonly accepted Christian notion that tweens are cutting themselves in laud of a reddish horned dude with goat legs is frankly absurd. It’s a philosophy developed in the early 1900’s that you are your own god, the master of your destiny and that hedonism is encouraged as a way to nourish your soul. Ever got stoned and had a wank? Well then I guess you’re pretty much a servant of Lucipher. So when Kobus Jonker, the national head of occult related crimes in the SAPS (yes that’s a “real” department), and fervent man of the cloth, released a statement this morning claiming many children across the country were placing “Satanic” spells on their teachers, his credibility took a rather sharp nose dive.


Children have for years dabbled in the supernatural. When I was 15 I used a Ouija Board to try and convince Hailey Knox to sleep with me. It didn’t work, probably because this contact with the spirit world was developed by Kennard Novelty Company in 1891, and holds no basis in fact. Wiccans and Pagans have practised white and black magic for years without any great tangible effects or scientific evidence. Yet their premise is based on Mother Nature and Gaia, not exactly the same as a disturbed child sacrificing a cat to an evil beast god is it? Even now, we have seen during the Marikana tragedy how miners were made impervious to bullets by a sangoma’s wizardry, but “heaven forbid” the courts lament this lunacy as Satanism.


Globally we have witnessed a decline in teenage morality, is this because of Satan? Or because 80% of them are gutting hookers in Grand Theft Auto? Yes there have been locally isolated incidents where confused youths have committed suicide with a giant pentagram on the floor, but did anyone actually look into their family dynamic? Did anyone examine their upbringing and behavioural patterns? When tragedy strikes in a macabre manner how convenient is it to just use Satan as a scapegoat. Suicide has increased 368% in American teenagers since 1977. 90% of teens involved in suicide had a diagnosable mental illness. In fact suicide is currently the 3rd largest South African killer of 15 to 24 year olds, yet we want to blame the occult rather than a failing education system, a morally degenerate society and TV shows that show brutal murder during prime time viewing. You will always get twisted kids; take Columbine, Newtown Conneticut and the first season of Dexter for example. But as long there is no support basis for them, and we have a cardinal ready to throw blame at the feet of the tokoloshe (while being funded by government), then tragedy is going to continue unabated. Now here’s real proof: this article is 666 words.


*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he tries out for a clarinet part in the new Slipknot album, and invites Hilary Clinton to a blood orgy.

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