America: land of the free, home of the brave. Lest we forget it is also home to an 8KG commercial hamburger, Paris Hilton, the highest rate of non-HIV sexually transmitted diseases among high school students, and something simply called “microwaveable deep-fried butter”. The spirit of the free world really finds incarnation through the red, white and blue and patriotism is not so much a sentiment, as it is a lifestyle. The NRA (National Rifle Association) is a core institute of government and the foremost defender of the 2nd amendment, or the right to bear arms. Yip, right after the right to freedom of expression, is the right to technically fortify your redneck farmland in Arkansas with a battalion strong enough to take down a Junta. Since Obama took office, ammunition sales have increased 26%, and in some states licenses for firearms are simply written permits, that can take 2 days to acquire. Ammo can be ordered online, there are few restrictions when it comes to quantities of weapons allowed, and background checks are only taken in 25% of purchases; is no one else concerned that a guy named Cletus, who owns no clothes other than dungarees and has divorced his cousin seven times, can have a barracks of fully automatic weapons stashed under his bed for a rainy day? “Well the thunderstorms are a coming yippy kay yeah”.
Last week America was plunged into turmoil, when an orange haired (duh) lunatic went on a killing spree at the premiere of the new Batman movie. James Holmes, a previous non-offender and clearly not a Nolan fan, let rip on a panicked theatre, and the world was flung into a series of shock and anger. The immediate knee jerk response was that this man was about 49 cards short of playing with a full deck and mental illness seemed obvious. But lets switch up this situation for a second. Imagine Holmes, was actually called Sanwar Al-Sedick. Do we still blame mental shortcomings, or is he now a terrorist? If you are white, you cant possibly be the “T” word right?
America has spent just over 7 trillion dollars on the war on terror, fighting abroad in an attempt to curtail a repeat of the 9/11 attacks. The most memorable day in recent history claimed the lives of 2819 Americans. Last year gun related deaths (excluding suicide) reached 9484 deaths. To put it into perspective there were 35 of these deaths reported down under, where Shelia finally had enough of Bruce’s insistence on watching the Brumbies during a Neighbours omnibus. 39 cases involving those chavvy little cunts in England and Wales, and 194 in Germany where those neo-nazis weren’t putting up with being short changed at the sausage fest. In fact, the U.S were only just beaten by South Africa at over 10 000, and we have Mitchells Plain, and a defunct policing system. So why, when a country has such a burgeoning expenditure on public safety, is the public so unsafe?
Well, the first act of the governmental strong-hand following the Batman tragedy was to ban all batman suits when watching the movie. However, properly licensed and holstered handguns were still permitted inside the theatres. Let’s forgo the fallacy that Holmes was even wearing a hood and cape and collectively scream “WHAT THE FUCK”. It is a similar reaction to a few years ago when a single toffee apple was found to have a razor blade in it during Halloween. Toffee apples were demonized and even banned in New York State, yet if I was an intelligent paedophile, and I really wanted to inflict some sort of harm to an innocent trick-or-treater, then I can assure you I could spike a butterscotch like a mother fucker.
The bill of rights is such a highly esteemed document, that no patriotic American dare challenge it, in spite of the obvious shortcomings I have mentioned. Colorado gun laws meant that Holmes had a pistol, a shotgun, a machine gun and a set of smoke grenades; all purchased in line with state law. Its taken me a year to build my character on Call of Duty in order to garner such an arsenal, but a pre-med student can acquire this, plus over 6000 rounds of ammo, in a few months, without ever having to even show his face at a training facility. Fear has been instilled in the American people; Jack Bauer is constantly thwarting terrorists in 24, the army is constantly battling “insurgents” and nearly half the fiscus is being spent on a war that 90% of Americans don’t know the reason for. The people are scared, and they take up arms. If you, as a country, give a platform for people like Holmes to go on a rampage, you must bear some responsibility. I wouldn’t drop a bunch meth addicts into a pharmacy and expect no one to O.D, so you can’t play dumb on this one USA. Plus you gave the Kardashians a 7th season, so you aren’t exactly proving your mental self-worth.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he tweets live from the wedding ceremony of Cletus and Anna Marie, and teaches a hamster how to shoot an uzzi.