*** MORE OF AN UPDATE*** Scroll down for a video done on Avastar. Some international ‘recognition’.
“***UPDATE***” Please note that the apocalyptic grammatical error that nearly ended the human race yesterday was corrected. Suite is now suit, and the world can now rest in peace knowing justice has been done
***For those who aren’t aware, there is a new cat among the pigeons in JoBurg’s uber club scene. After viewing their media rampage, Stroobz felt the need to write a letter to their owner, Mike Basson.
Dearest Mike Basson
Firstly, I think we should quickly alleviate the blatant elephant from the room, so a hearty congratulations on your hairstyle. You really have merged mullety white trash with the alien from the Predator movies seamlessly into a follicle wonder, so thumbs up.
Secondly I would like to write a letter to you, as what some might perceive as a cynical CapeTonian perspective, with regards to your new nightclub, Avastar. From the multitude of videos and images I can see that you have entered the mind of Hendirek Jakobus Van Tonder during a PCP binge, and come out the other side with a raging erection and a flare for rural Afrikaner elegance and design. My condolences to your mother during her pregnancy however, as it is evident that she endured a few enemas from a glowstick, during what can only be described as “her gestation”. I’m not too clued up on the electrical aspect of neon lights, but I’m pretty sure you’re using enough energy to power Sweden, I’m almost positive that those pesky blue bitches from the real Avatar would really appreciate your dedication to the environment in this regard, so way to go green.
In your enthusiastic YouTube video, you proudly liken your club to the myriad of themed establishments adorning the Las Vegas Strip. However I have seen the “Paris”, “New York New York” and “Circus Circus” themes, but am still waiting patiently for a more recognizable “Harry Potstar” “Transformerama” or “Lord of the Blings” that more aptly suites your frame of reference. Your video also speaks highly of the different array of entertainment on the night. “Fwame Fwoers” however is not an English word; may I suggest annunciating your “L’s” like a human being? Or is the whole Elmer Fudd in boer version, helping you out with the ladies? Word of advice; don’t drop your children on their heads, as this is obviously not a privilege you were afforded in your youth.
However it is not to say that you have spared any expense in your unmitigated pursuit of the ultimate nightclub establishment, and judging by your general persona it is evident that the contract killing business is truly thriving in Rivonia at the moment. I’ve got this annoying ex I might need to knock off, but we’ll chat about that later. You have really pushed the boundaries with your dancers and performers and for that I applaud you. I’m sure you needed to apply a little financial coercion on that mentally handicapped ex-member of the Blue-Man Group, who graced the dancefloor masquerading as an Avatar creature, and fumbled his way through a dance rendition of Michael Jackson’s Thriller (Jungle remix).
May I put forward a few suggestions? A shuttle service from Brakpan directly into your shooter bar? Have your Stroh Rum and Crackling shooters pre mixed, and on ice. Add methamphetamine to your famous Avastar cocktails. Your expected clientele will appreciate it, and your DJs will have a full dancefloor despite their ingratiating drivel they spew through your speakers. Chill on the cigars dude, your teeth, and the 4 prostitutes you take home later that evening will appreciate it.
Finally Mike, just be careful as to which celebs grace your club. I know you got the Hoff for your opening, but how do you beat that? An illegitimate Kardashian child? Julius Malema in a cat suit? OJ Simpson doing some fwame fwoing? Just don’t set yourself up for failure. Your club patrons will no doubt “expwect da gweatest evwey naat”.
Best of luck in all your future endeavours, and please forward me the name of the guy that makes your ear rings.
Yours in leather,
*Follow @stroobz on twitter as he gives a toddler a handgun, and reports live from his underground bunker where he hides from the obvious gang of Brakpan assassins now on his tale.
PS: Mike if you are reading this, know that it is all in jest. Hard work and all that will mean you make a ton of cash. Different tastes inspire different reactions. And at the end of the day we’re all just having a bit of a laugh at each other. Sure you could lambaste me about my skinny jeans, awesome hair and mainstream views.