*This is in reference to the social media outcry yesterday, when the woman in question posted a victorious photo of her and a dead male lion she had shot in an enclose environment.
*Please note that this letter is not intended to discriminate against woman or the female race in any way, shape or form. Just one woman. Because shes a gross whore, and regresses the gender exponentially.
Dear Melissa Bachman
Firstly, I would just like to say I hope you enjoyed your time in South Africa and hope you took a few other souvenirs, besides the dead endangered animal carcasses you proudly posed upon. Mainly AIDS. Our nation is rich in heritage and beauty, the cradle of all natural life. And you have managed to shoot one of them in the head. With a giant scope. And a 12 gauge rifle. In a cage. Without even having the courtesy to look this majestic creature in the eye. So naturally I can imagine you are quite the big cheese back in Redneck Hicksonville in the grand ‘ol U S of A. Your cousin must be relieved you’re back; the pigs just didn’t quite cut it with their hand jobs. Must be the hooves.
But seriously, and this is genuine interest, at what point do you derive pleasure from killing innocent creatures for sport? They’re so defenceless why waste expensive bullets? Why don’t you just gather ten of them and economically gas them in a chamber? Oh right, because then you’d be Hitler. And even Hitler struggles to buy dungarees from K-Mart. Now many of the South Africans who chose to chastise and deride you for your plundering of their local wildlife, were labelled “liberal hypocrites” by your supporters. Of course had your admirers taken the time to finish 3rd grade, they would have learnt that a “Liberal” is someone who is tolerant of the ideas and behaviours of others, which of course didn’t really become apparent when one of the commentators requested that you turn the gun on yourself. And received a subsequent 41 likes in an hour. But we can’t expect people who support killing for sport to be intelligible can we?
The argument is that if you eat meat, such as farmed cows or chickens, then you can’t complain if someone kills an Alpha male lion. Did you eat that lion? I’m going to hesitate a few guesses and say no. By that definition then, where do you stop? What won’t you kill? A black Rhino? An orca? A Phillipino child? If you would excuse my turn of phrase for a second; where does the “buck” stop? Personally if I were to put my moral and ethical conscious on the back burner for a few minutes I’d hunt you. Id shoot you right in the neck and mount your disgusting botoxed face on my wall. Wait. No. The last thing I’d actually need is your silicone infested head dripping toxins into my fireplace. I’d turf the body. But hey it’s all for good sport right?
From a young age you’ve been bred to hunt, as seen from your website’s picture gallery. The fact that I’m pretty sure you didn’t eat these 30 foxes aside, you didn’t know any better I’m sure. Kind of like how you can’t be angry at Ku Klux Klan children hey? Or those cute little Burundi child soldiers? But you’re a big girl now, and quite honestly if it wasn’t for the fact that horned up Americans flutter their eyes at anything with tits, you would just be another burley tobacco chewing bearded redneck killing shit and getting average ratings. So congrats on pimping yourself out with guns, you’re a role model to children the world over.
In a world where your country is viewed as a trigger happy embodiment of war and suffering, where innocents die and justice is seldom found, do you really want to be the poster child for a nation void of humanity? Why come to other countries where the animal kingdom is revered as a cornerstone of their inheritance? Stay in your two-horse country bumpkin village and kill your own fucking guinea pigs if you want. I’d like to think we honour the land we live on. Next time you’re in our hood, please pop on down to Cape Town, there’s a couple of really great folk dishing out excellent hugs. With knives.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he takes a Ku Klux Klan finger painting seminar, and teaches human hunting to a pack of hamsters.