In the all-gracious world of social media, every Shlong, Dick and Hairy can now share with the universe their deepest and most intimate tit-bits of their daily lives. While Facebook and Twitter provide white people the platform to moan that they will no longer be accepted as cashiers at Woolies, Instagram purports a photographic medium for girls, drunk on narcissm, to flaunt their wares. This generation is so obsessed, so enthralled and so dedicated to making people look at every facet of their lives, almost regardless of what it entails. If it isn’t a plate chocka-block with California rolls, it’s a Sea Point promenade sunset #CapeTown #Beautiful #MyLifeisDevoidOfMeaning #CryForHelp. But then there are some, whose self involvement borders on the noxious. Those who admiringly watch Snooki & J-Wow, sigh longingly and think: “One day”. They are the embodiment of the pseudo-celebrities, the kings and queens of Selfies; because your gift to the world is a badly cropped photo of yourself, with a 1977 filter. And as with any over-commercialised “artistic” means; the archetypes develop. When creativity has become more shrivelled and decrepit than the gremlin Keith Richards calls his liver, then these 8 shots reign true.
The Duck Face Selfie
A largely entry level Selfie, where the photographer purses her or his lips together in the shape of a schnauzer’s prolapsed rectum in order to feign eroticism. Often accompanied by carcinogenic levels of self tan and a backwards lumo cap.
The Lying in Bed Erotically Selfie
In a brazen attempt to capture the allure of the opposite sex, one will often appear in a sexually flamed pose, bearing parts of the skin and/or a lack of self esteem. You are not in a Guess advert, yet also not capturing a profile pic to meet singles online, so what the fuck are you actually doing?
The Overly Made Up Selfie
Usually (hopefully) taken in the prospect of an imminent night out, this requires the Instagrammer to play Cake Boss with their epidermis and lather the Maybelline on thicker than Nataniel before date night. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe its an over processed photo taken with a low end digital camera.
Staring Directly Into the Sun While Contemplating Life Selfie
Taken during times of considered introspection based on earth-shattering life-altering events such as “I still cant believe they killed off Marissa in the O.C” or “Theres no way theres carbs in butternut”. Frequently used when staring out upon a beautiful vista. You know, for like… impact and shit.
The “Mistaken” Reflection Selfie
Wake up in the morning, have a shower, dry yourself down, Selfie. Its how every day should start. And in a poorly veiled attempt to raise the virility of your followers; “Whoops, looks like my bum is accidentally seen in the mirror behind me”. We see what you did there.
The “11am the Next Morning ‘Bro, What the Fuck Happened Last Night’” Selfie
Kreg: “How are you feeling after that jol my bro?” Me: “This” and then a Selfie. A picture often speaks a thousand words, and when you are too hungover to even say more than 4 words, it is a handy tool. These, for obvious reasons, are often kept private.
It was a mistake. We’re totally buying that.
The Badly Photoshopped Selfie
The nice thing about the internet is that if you want to be a 200KG World of Warcraft champion, but portray yourself as 19 year old Asian tween, you can be. And with this new insatiable urge to be awesome, that social media has spawned; often we try and pursue unrealistic goals with digital tools. But this pic is real, obvs.
So there you have it folks. If you are one of the enlightened few who feel the world just needs to see more pictures you have taken of yourself, then I hope this guide helps. But as a woman, you realise that the legions of followers and innumerable Likes are just men applauding you perpetuating a sterotype? You do know that exposing parts of yourselves suggestively is effectively bringing certain creeps out the woodwork all for the sake of you feeling good about yourself? Oh you do? Great. Nice tits.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he teaches an 8 year old to Selfie and smoke Camel Lights. Also his impending shame will be live broadcast after this series of portraits.