As darkness bestows our most Southern tip, and we are thrust into an age where lighting fires for heat and sustenance becomes partisan to 8pm on a Wednesday, we have to ask ourselves the most poignant of questions: “What would Hobbits do?” Those furry feeted ‘lil midgets weren’t eating microwave burritos and creating a level 46 Swamp Dwarf in World of Warcraft, they were seeking out an existence void of Eskom and load shedding. Now granted CapeTonians might struggle to find Mordor on Google Maps, and Legolas probably isn’t itching to go play some footie in Gardens, but life must forge ahead without Geordie Shore re-runs or easily heated Woolies Slimmers’ chicken. So CT, in the words of iconic 90s British boy band Five, “Baby when the lights go out, I’ll show you what its all about”.
Get White Girl Wasted
With no power, comes no responsibility, so whip out a two litre papsak get “homeless guy on Christmas” drunk and start a fight with a couple of local kids in a park. Have you ever tried to play king of the hill on a see saw after downing a half jack of Klippies? You’re looking at the Pinelands champ 4 years running. Time flies with such haste during patches of inebriation that one minute the power is out and you’re hurling insults from a parked car outside a pre-school, and the next the lights are on and youre eating enough Panado for a staple meal watching Binnelanders. Another fun drinking activity while the electricity cuts is to tune into 567 in your car and dop whenever an irate Constantia house-mum phones and lambastes the ANC ineptitude. Drinking competitively to white people narcissism is the new 200m butterfly at the 2016 Olympics.
Putt Putt on the Prom
For those of you with the co-ordination of a new born cat, or regular golfers who forgot to charge their cart and are too lus to walk 18 holes, then tapping a tiny coloured ball into a hole while the waves break behind you is an extraordinary alternative. The course is pretty buggered, and you’re looking at like 15 Rand for a pack of Jelly Tots, but getting super competitive with your loved ones and brought to the point of Dolus Eventualis by golf stick is an opportunity not to be missed.
We live in a mountain range with some of the most picturesque vistas on the planet. Our leading cause of death is heart disease. So “Not dying and seeing some cool shit” should be pretty fucking high up on your agenda of extra-electrical activities. There are literally hundreds of different hikes surrounding the greater CT area. For the less adventurous mountaineers whose focus is more on what they are wearing than the exploration, we have Lion’s Head, the Cafe Caprice of Cape Town hikes. But Table Mountain, Silvermine, Chapman’s Peak and Cape Point are all magnificent and earn you +10 points for any Instagram photo taken from a peak.
You are forced to use candles in the dark, the aircon is out so you are all hot and sweaty, the oven is broken so the wife can’t even make you a casserole (chill feminists). If the power is out and you haven’t reversed a cow girl so much that she can basically parallel park herself (I have no idea what that means either) then you are doing power outages wrong. Stage 3 load shedding means you will have roughly 2 and a half hours to do doggystyle so well you will emasculate a golden retriever. Get porking.
The amount of locals who never dare venture for a cool dip is atrocious. The cathartic dive through that first crisp icy wave will immediately stop you from wanting to castrate Eskom CEO Tshediso Matona for saying it’s not a “crisis” but a “challenge”. Whether you like an Atlantic, or an Indian (personally I’m partial for a little Phillipino myself, wait… what are we talking about?) the salt water is not only a physically healthy activity, but a mentally cleansing ritual to boot.
Are you huge? Why not? Now China, the Jozi Binnets are pulling in 6 kinds of hawt this Summer and if you want to be cutting shapes on a Shimmy dancefloor and have the babes checking your shweet nips then get down to Camps Bay and start running shuttles til you mock.
*Brainwave: USN making a protein Bacardi Breezer type jol. Fokken tit.
In a small reference to the above mentioned focus on the aesthetic, why not use this time fruitfully to exfoliate, tone and moisturise, so that your cheeks are as soft as a bunny rabbit’s labia. Treatments are now widely available and Dischem in Sea Point runs off a generator so there is no excuse not to look like an 8 year old.
Make a Crop Circle
If there is one thing you can count on in the Western Cape, it is the naivety of the greater population of Kraaifontein. While education comes a distant second to taking your 23 year old cousin to her Matric Dance, they are an easily fooled people situated near vast tracks of open land. All you need is a plank of wood, some string and an eye for design and you can watch the gullible instantly fear a looming apocalypse. Fun for the whole family.
Power outages are a pain, we are under no illusion otherwise. But they are an opportunity to do something out of your comfort zone. It forces human interaction and connection, something gravely lacking from a world dominated by LCD and QWERTY. There are a plentiful abundance of activities from renting bicycles, to just going to the top of Price Drive, getting super high and then trying to convince the cops that its Thyme leaves in a bank bag. Hey, Ive even streaked through Grandwest Casino, but I live on the edge. You can hurl insults and castigate the authorities but in reality take it as an opportunity to live a little. Think of Frodo and what he accomplished. Cause you know hes rolling in hobbit pussy.
*Folllow @Stroobz on Twitter as he racially profiles babies according to cuteness (Spoiler: Asians win)
9 Things To Do In Cape Town During Load Shedding