As a majestic 21st century sovereign state, 3 things are clear in abundance when it comes to South Africa. Firstly, never purchase Debonairs circa 2am from the Orange Street Engen. Secondly, actually buying a piece of the Parlotones’ musical wizardry is grounds for euthanasia. And thirdly, but largely the most glaring, is that Jacob Zuma is by far the worst and most tainted President our Rainbow Nation has had in its limited democracy. From the Arms Deal to Nkandla, from Rape Trials to birthing Julius, and an innumerable amount of direct family members that cost the fiscus over R150 million per annum; it is quite clear that the man is compromised in a personal capacity, before we even begin to dissect his questionable leadership. Once rising to power, this non-fictional Sauron began rewarding all of those for support during the battle of Polokwane, where Thabo got cut.
Currently SA has the largest amount of government departments for any independent country on the planet; 37, yet we only have the 25th highest GDP. In fact our nearest competitor is that bastion of moral fortitude, Iran, with 35. We have a declining economy, burgeoning unemployment, R30 Billion squandered through corruption and mismanagement per year, and nepotism that makes JP Morgan seem like a Buddhist temple; yet nothing but lies and questionable break-dance moves are used as an excuse. It forces me to ask; is there no one better, in a country of 50 million people, to lead South Africa into the future? I believe there are.
This fuzzy little sweet peach of an advocate has endeared herself to all honest South Africans following her exposure of the Nkandla scandal, institutionalized rot within the SABC, mismanagement within the Independent Electoral Commission and tender irregularities in Limpopo by the chubby little poster boy for Cornish Pasties; Julius Malema. Oh, and that’s just in the last 12 months. She just happens to be a globally acclaimed human rights lawyer, and one of those 11 technical experts that helped pen our constitution. Not bad for the daughter of two impoverished informal traders from Soweto. Her eloquence and demeanour, when delivering scathing uncoverings of our local political elite, without fear or favour, is enough to give any intellectual the stiffest of mind boners. She may be the obvious choice, but with integrity by the truckload, she is the undeniable frontrunner.
Where many might see the Mbeki brand and think of a man smoking a pipe and indulging in a beetroot and potato AIDS salad, the real juggernaut of Govan’s lineage lies in Moeletsi. They call him a political economist, who dares pander to rational, logical, objective thought, rather than populist demands and empty promises. He has acquired that pesky ‘lil thorn in the ANC’s side: A Harvard education. An independent think tank at Wits; he is not only a political analyst for Nedcore bank (Remember when the Nedbank CEO gave Jacob the wooden spoon?), but is also the deputy chairman of the South African Institute of International Affairs. Basically he makes us sexy to the world. He is outspoken about a litany of faux pas within the ANC (including his brother, Thabo) and the growing Chinese imperialism, brash socialism and cadre deployment have all come under his knife. If we stopped playing soggy Marie with our neighbours up North and started implementing outlooks and ideals of someone like Moeletsi, we would see a dampening of inequality and a pretty bad ass economic growth.
Judge Edwin Cameron
Arguably the greatest epidemic our country has ever faced is AIDS. As a continent, historically the brunt of discrimination and adversity, we are in the process of becoming massively intolerant towards homosexuality, which is now outlawed in 37 states. Judge Cameron (or Brother Edwon, as he’s known in the hood) is openly gay and living with the disease. Besides being a justice of the Constitutional Court for 5 years and a Rhodes Scholar at Oxord University, the man has been on the forefront of leading the fight against pre-disposed ignorance of the disease as well as anti-retroviral rollout throughout Africa. He’s the modern day Florence Nightingale, except with better fashion sense, and he can handle a gavel like a mother fucker. He is globally recognized as a leader (from minor institutions like Yale and the Nelson Mandela Foundation) and continues to fight daily for the rights of South Africans.
You need the backbone of a stegosaurus and strength in your own volition to be a politician in South Africa. You will be insulted and your reputation will be doused in kerosene and set alight at any opportunity. The ability to hold steadfast, and push your views through the abuse and slurs, is what shall hold you in high esteem; especially if your values are centred on truth, free speech and accountability. Ladies and Gentlemen, the pillar of investigative and intelligent reporting: Ferial Haffajee. Making her name at the Mail & Guardian before establishing City Press as one of the foremost Sunday newspapers, her insistence, as Editor of these publications, on cutting to the heart of South African issues in an impartial yet often controversial manner, has meant her political insight and editorials are of the highest calibre this country has seen. Refusing to be held to ransom by threats of boycott or legal rebuttal; some of the biggest stories of the 21st century have come from her reign. Being articulate and calm under pressure would make Ferial a 52 thousand eight hundred and eleventy four million times better president than Jacob Zuma.
What does JZ really have going for him? Well he can really breed. It is not known exactly how many kids he has fathered, but it is over 20. The dassie can lay up to 17 sweet bitches, with 2 -3 offspring each. So Jacob is basically a eunuch. Integrity? Dassies have never been known to steal from the pack they represent, or build lavish dwellings with their compatriots’ resources. Also each member of a group of dassies will play a pivotal role in general upkeep and stability of the pack, they don’t have a “minister in the presidency” or a “National Planning Commission”. Dassies are not revered because they can sing and dance and wed virgins, dassies form a unit as a collective for the greater good of each individual little guy, not one main guy on top. I would much rather be led by this kind of rodent than the one we have now.
Its hard to choose just 5. Realistically we as a nation are littered with fantastic leaders in various spheres that could do an exponentially better job than Jacob. Micheal Jordaan led FNB in an ethical and creative manner that saw them reach a phenomenal height in global recognition. Prof Pierre De Vos is a constitutional genius who has been the most objective commentator I know in calling to order the wrongs of the past. Mmusi Maimane is the brightest young politician in this country, and is a light of veracity in an often faltering DA. And Dr Aaron Motsoaledi is the one government minister actually making concrete change in a department where it is so required.
But in honesty there are thousands of individuals who could put their own personal aspirations aside and work for the good of this country rather than personal gain. We don’t have that now. What we have is an electorate who supports the ANC and Zuma like a football team who can do no wrong and has unconditional support. When patriotism shifts from allegiance to a party, to that of a country, is when we will see a country living a potential we know it has.
*Follow @Stroobz on Twitter as he forms a new political party based solely around cat videos, and pretends a soapbox is exclusively limited to body wash.